Helloween is pretty much the prime example in my eyes of a band that could be great if they didn't suck so hard. I don't understand why people consistently line up to sniff this band's ballsack so readily. Whatever potential the music has is almost immediately undercut by their constant tendency to mar their sound with three of the crappiest vocalists metal has ever heard. Walls of Jericho got it very right musically, but Kai didn't know how to sing yet, and he wouldn't until ten years later with Land of the Free. His vocals are so atrocious, they almost completely ruin an otherwise awesome album. Kiske.... those who have been reading my reviews lately know that I'd rather try to uproot a cactus with my dick than ever praise Kiske's voice. Andi Deris is... well, the best they've had, but he's barely above flatulence.
Maybe the reason I loathe this album so much is because I was promised Helloween playing in a much darker style than their previous efforts. I hated the Keeper of the Seven Keys albums, so this promise was a great thing to me, maybe they quit making crappy music with this new approach. As most gothic metal bands have taught us, darker does not always equal better. In fact, there is nothing darker about this album at all, it's just as upbeat and flowery as the earlier efforts. Sure they've got slower, more "crushing" songs like Escalation 666, but sure as hell does not make them any better.
It's hard to describe what makes this album so horrible, maybe it's the problem that Helloween's always had (vocals), or maybe the vocal melodies/lines are terrible as well, or maybe it's because I've shat out better lyrics than what they've got here, but I think it's because it's just musically uninteresting. I will admit, Mr. Torture is a hell of a lot of fun, and easily the standout track on the album. It's fast, it's catchy, it does it's job as a song in the sense that I want to hear it again. It boasts pretty much the worst lyrics EVER, but it doesn't matter when the song is as much fun as this one. And I'll include the bonus track, The Madness of the Crowds, because without it, the album would have an even lower score. So I'll sum up the positives by saying Mr. Torture and The Madness of the Crowds are fucking awesome, but the rest of the album is almost irredeemably shitty.
No riffs are ear catching, not a one outside of the two good songs. I don't get what it was that made them write those two great ones, but whatever they did, they did the exact opposite with the remaining tracks. Most of them are midpaced, yet they come off as just as flowery as they did in the past. Heavier riffs like I Live For Your Pain aren't even good, and the fact that they are heavier does not make them any better than the previous optimistic baloney. Also, pretty much every chorus is grating and catchy only in the way The Bee Gees are... the kind that gets stuck in your head and causes you to blow your brains out. And what really sucks is that some songs start of promisingly, like We Damn the Night, but just take a bullet train to shittytown when Deris gets the idea that he has a good voice and starts tunelessly wailing into the microphone. The title track is overlong and boring, the instruments on the whole are uninteresting, and the vocals are grating. And I'll mention once again that the lyrics suck a big fat cocksicle (Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the sickest one of all?).
Don't believe what people tell you, this is not dark at all. It's the exact same garbage that Helloween has been churning out since 1987, just slower. I personally believe the album is torturous to listen to in full. Imagine sticking a small hook in your eardrum, and there is a foot long thin chain attached to it. Now imagine the free end of the chain being superglued to a spinning lawnmower blade. Imagine that pain for a minute. Well, the album isn't THAT painful, so imagine a damp sponge over your ear or something as well. Mr. Torture and The Madness of the Crowds are wonderful, catchy, infectious, fun, hell Deris even has a good vocal performance on them, but everything else is just like the ear-to-lawnmower winch. I'd recommend y'all avoid this, but everybody else seems to like it, so give it a listen and make your own decision I guess. Just remember I told you so.
RATING - 23%
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