QUICK HITS: Deathwish - Unleash Hell

PUNCH YOUR CHILDREN, START A FIRE

FUCK YES.  I've spun this a few times over the last few days and I wound up formulating a huge, rambling essay in my head while ruminating on it at work that was supposed to dissect the inherent qualities of and the necessary balance between originality and passion, but now that I'm actually sitting here in front of my computer listening to it again I DON'T FUCKING CARE I JUST WANT TO ROCK OUT GOD FUCK YES.  There isn't one original note on Unleash Hell.  It's just Motorhead + Discharge and THAT'S APPARENTLY ALL I'VE EVER WANTED.  It's just 28 minutes of d-beats and screeching and wild soloing and really what the fuck else do you need?  I think we, as music nerds, tend to give too much credit to weird shit simply because nothing else sounds like it.  Wild inventiveness is one thing, being unique is cool, but it's not the fucking endgame.  Doofy violin shit shoehorned into metal songs gives you garbage like Ne Obliviscaris.  Fuck that noise, I don't care anymore, I'm done pretending that the only thrash band worth a damn anymore is Vektor purely because they're unique.  Nobody cares about your unique bullshit, I want to slam some beers and start a fight I'm bound to lose with gnarly bikers that outnumber me twenty to one.  Deathwish is the soundtrack to that.  LIVE FAST LIVE FOREVER.  The only thing Deathwish wants to do is have a good time, they just want to get in your face and make you bang your fucking head in a whirlwind of B.O. and puke.  That's what I want.  I want to wake up in a gutter with a few missing digits, isn't that why we all like heavy music?  This sounds passionate, this sounds dangerous, this sounds like heavy fucking metal.  Even if it isn't metal (it's really more on the punk side of the crossover dichotomy) it's got 10000% more attitude than whatever the Intellectual Metal Flavor of the Month is.  That's why Unleash Hell has rocketed up the ranking of my hypoethetical running Best of 2017 list, because it turns out that d-beats and filthy, raunchy metalpunk riffs backed by a screeching maniac who just finished four rails of coke while listening to Volcano records is more enjoyable than flittery man-bun'd dingleberries waving their Berkeley degrees in my face or classic bands desperately clinging to relevance by writing the same album over and over again to the adulation of oldnoob morons that populate the few remaining print mags.  FUCK ALL OF THEM FUCK EVERYBODY LISTEN TO DEATHWISH INSTEAD AND QUIT BEING A POMPOUS FUCKBALL.


RATING - 100% FUCK YOU I DON'T CARE NUMBERS AREN'T REAL ANYMORE

Iron Reagan - Spoiled Identity

I'm a slow writer

Obviously, this is gonna be a short one, I've only got so much to work with here.

But it's all so goddamned awesome.

Really, Spoiled Identity is the latest EP from the crossover supergroup and contenders for the Best Band Name Ever award, Iron Reagan.  Sporting thirteen tracks and clocking in at a whopping five whole minutes, this whole ordeal just never takes its foot off the gas.  And, in a testament to how blistering and straightfoward and to-the-point the whole album is.  I'm gonna do something a little different, something to give y'all some insight as to how I write reviews.  After this next sentence, I'm going to finish this review in the time it takes for this EP to finish.  In five minutes, the rest of it will be done.

START THE TIMER!

Basically if you were a fan of Municipal Waste's first full length, Waste 'em All, you're gonna find more of the same here, with some added punkiness ala M.O.D. and the other assorted acronyms you all know so well.  Foresta's vocals are at their most vicious here, with the lyrics being as inconsequential as always, if steeped in politics and violence like always.  Really, this is just the logical continuation of Worse than Dead, so if you dug that album as much as I did, you're going to be more than satisfied with Spoiled Identity.  In fact, I'm blown away that what is essentially a collection of throwaway microsongs can still end up being so intense, memorable, and well executed.  I mean really, only three songs are longer than thirty seconds, with one of them (the best one, "Cops Don't Like Me") having a nine second sample to start it off.

There's a surprising amount of variety here, from the hyperblasting one-note insanity of "Your Kid's an Asshole", to the deep death metal vocal stylings of "I Spit on Your Face/Grave", and the punky melody of "Cops Don't Like Me".  It's a five minute burst of thrash/punk insanity and there's only so much that can logically be said about it.

Time's up, album's over, it's great, go get it, it's free.


RATING - 93%

Smash Potater - In Buffet There Is No Law!

You'd be amazed how fucking awesome this is

I go on about hometown thrashers all the time, usually referring to Chicago bands, but I have a confession to make... I'm not from Chicago.  Nope, I live in Oswego, which is about forty-ish miles from the city limits, about an hour drive with traffic.  Oswego itself is kind of a nebulous entity, with a southern half absolutely smothered in farmland, and everything else I thought to be within the city limits actually residing within the territories of neighboring areas (how we have a population of thirty thousandish is a fucking mystery to me).  But one of those areas right next door is Aurora.  Yes, the Aurora from Wayne's World (though the movie was filmed in Toronto, the more ya know!).  It's the second most populous city in Illinois (it's basically a 45 square mile ghetto with a casino wedged along the Fox River), but in the world of heavy metal, it should be known for a grand total of two things; the cult speed metal juggernaut of Amulance, and the current kings of homegrown crossover, Smash Potater.

In a way, Smash is probably the most frustrating band in the universe, because they are good.  They are very, very good, but their predilection for silly toilet humor and general carefree attitude will likely prevent them from growing very far beyond the borders of local celebrity status.  I mean, they've cozied up with big name acts like Lich King, but I fear their superficial appeal is limited.  I mean let's face it, a crossover band who clearly has lighthearted irreverence in mind over nut ripping intensity is going to turn off a vast majority of metal fans.  And therein lies the problem: Smash Potater is nut rippingly intense.  Their riffs are extraordinarily well written, their songs are succinct, punchy, and powerful, and since the addition of Brian Koz, the backup vocals have taken a sharp turn into the deep and guttural. 

Obviously, there is a gargantuan influence from the obvious punctuated suspects like D.R.I. and M.O.D. to be found on their newest EP, In Buffet There Is No Law!, but unlike most bands slapped with the "crossover thrash" label, the deja vu never gets irritating.  The energy here is absolutely through the roof, with all ten minutes of this short release being packed to the rafters with ripping riffage and vitriolic shouting.  Koz's deep growls are an awesome complement to Esquivel's frenzied yelling, and they help the band stand out a little bit amongst the glut of samey sounding crossover in America.  Even without the excellent gutturals, the riffwork stands firmly on the thrash metal side of the dichotomy of their genre, sounding much more like Municipal Waste than any given hardcore punk band.

And that's the thing, if you're not a Municipal Waste fan, you are not the target audience for Smash Potater.  The main people behind the band are also behind Big Dick Records and write songs about absurdist lunacy and pop culture and food jokes (GEE I WONDER WHY I LIKE THEM).  It's a very juvenile, Adult Swim type humor that won't resonate with most people, and that's what makes them fall into such a weird niche that they'll probably never break out of.  On one hand, it's a shame because I've been watching this band release demo after EP after split after EP for a while now and they just keep getting better and better, whereas Diamond Plate nabbed the popularity I was so hoping for them to get before turning to shit.  On the other hand, Smash has found a home in these filthy halls of pizza nachos party thrash and have just been completely owning it since day one.  They clearly have no desire to break out from where they're comfortable, and at the same time, despite me wishing their exposure and fanbase would spread, I really don't think they should wander away from what they've been doing.  They're fucking good at this, and suddenly ditching all the fat jokes in favor of socially conscious lyrics would absolutely ruin the spirit of the band.  They have the musical chops, tightness, and compositional skills to rank in the mid-upper echelon of modern thrash, but instead choose to use this talent to write odes to buffet lines and reality television.  It's great seeing talented people harness their skills to simply have fun, and clearly nobody is having more fun than Smash.  I respect this band more than 99% of all modern thrash bands currently releasing music right now, because these guys are true to themselves more than anybody else, and they happen to be excellent musicians, songwriters, and most of all, thrashers.

The band's mascot is named Monstercock Smashington, and it's a man in a chicken suit who starts and maintains all the mosh pits during the band's shows.  If that doesn't give you an idea of the immature fervor that the band so greatly exudes, then I don't know what will.  I know the joke is THRASH RIFTS SO FUN and Smash is pretty much the perfect example of such a mindset, but unlike most shitty bands with this attitude, they actually fucking rule.  They're pretty much a massive exception to the common stereotype of post 90s thrash metal, and deserve a chance from any self proclaimed thrasher.

The best part about all this?  They release all of their music for free.  SO GET ON IT.


RATING - 89%

Power Trip - Manifest Decimation

Ripping and tearing

Crossover thrash does indeed have a pretty literal definition: "a mix of thrash metal and hardcore punk".  And yet with this fairly loose and open ended with a ton of theoretical wiggle room, a vast majority of the bands playing the style seem totally content to just be DRI or MOD with lyrics about partying, pizza, nachos, Ninja Turtles, yadda yadda you know the deal.  The legions of Municipal Waste clones really drag the entire scene down, and proclaiming yourself as a fan of the genre pretty much automatically pins you with the stigma of flat billed caps, sleeveless denim, skateboards, beer, and pubic lice.  That's why Power Trip here is so refreshing, because it actually is a pretty neat combo of thrash and hardcore, a pretty literal one we don't see very often. 

Coming off the doom/sludge/black/drone drenched roster of Southern Lord, these Texans come flying out of the gate with unbridled aggression, and a serious hardcore influence that makes their presence on the label not seem too crazy.  From the moment Manifest Decimation kicks into gear, it spends the the next half hour just pounding its way into your skull with a very dirty, gritty sound.  This isn't your typical party thrash that "crossover" usually makes you think of, this is fucking vicious.  A big part of this is the production job, which is just stellar.  Everything sounds huge, but it's not particularly clear.  It's very gritty and drenched in echo and reverb, like it's being played inside a tunnel.  The vocals are the most obvious example.  The production job actually does well in highlighting the aggression and sharpness of the riffs, so I see no reason to complain about it.  It's a little unorthodox, but so is a crossover thrash album with an average song length around four minutes.

As I mentioned, the old school hardcore influence is very prevalent, and mixes gorgeously with the highly prominent thrash.  The mark Black Flag left on this band is pretty goddamn huge, and it helps them stand out from the legions of simple Cross Examination types of bands in the scene.  Manifest Decimation takes one part Black Flag, one part Slayer, and one part Kreator, thereby creating some of the most outwardly ferocious music to be released this year.  It's dripping with vitriol, and throughout the entire runtime of the album, I find myself enjoying it.

There is one somewhat major problem.  Most of the songs... just, well aren't very memorable.  They're fun while they're on and provide an excellent soundtrack with which to beat your chest and punch strangers, but after spinning this roughly a dozen times, the only songs or riffs that really stick out to me in any way are "Manifest Decimation", "Power Trip", and "Hammer of Doubt".  So this is kind of a flash in the pan type album, but it's incredibly good for being one.  So overall, Power Trip still stands as a welcome breath of fresh air in a very stagnant scene that is in dire need of innovation.  The only really innovation the band makes it to bring in some more old school west coast hardcore influence than most bands, but it's still a nice change of pace, and the lengthy songs are also a neat spin on the usual template.  It may not stick with you, but it's worth a listen, if nothing else.


RATING - 75%

Municipal Waste - The Fatal Feast (Waste in Space)

Big and stupid and fucking rad

Maybe I'm just a simpleton, a dum-dum thrasher, a brain dead nu thrash kid with his flatbilled hat and pumped up kicks and skateboard, but I love pretty much every Municipal Waste record to date.  I mean, they're never going to top that perfect blend of energy and riff writing showcased on Hazardous Mutation, but I still believe they haven't completely given up on writing fun, exciting songs.  Even though Massive Aggressive is pretty much my least listened-to album from these Virginian old new schoolers by a long shot, it's still chock full of fun, aggressive songs like "Wrong Answer", "Upside Down Church", and the mighty "Wolves of Chernobyl".  And if I'm being 100% honest with you, their 2012 offering, The Fatal Feast is no exception to the rules they've laid out for themselves and all new school thrash bands with Hazardous Mutation a whopping seven years ago (good Christ has it been that long already?).

The Fatal Feast is a strange anomaly in a way, as musically it seems to take more cues from hardcore punk than its predecessor, but on the whole the songs are a lot longer than they ever were in the past.  I mean, listen to the chorus riff in "Standards and Practices", you can pretty clearly tell what I'm talking about.  The riffs aren't as... I guess "typical" would be the right word.  At this point in time, you can pretty much just hear a five second snippet of any song and you'd be able to accurately deduce that it's a Municipal Waste song, they have a distinct sound at this point.  An Overkill style loud, pangy bass, riffs ripped straight from Game Over and Speak English or Die, Tony Foresta's pint sized shout, you've heard one album and you pretty much get the idea.  Part of this has to do with the fact that this is the fourth straight album with the same lineup.  This isn't necessarily a bad thing, don't get me wrong, a stable lineup is a marvelous thing to have and writing new music with people you've grown to be rather comfortable with is a huge plus. But let's be honest here, they haven't thought up a new idea in nearly a decade.  Waste 'em All is the only album that sounds even remotely different, being much more into violent, dissonant, sloppy hardcore than the rest of the albums, which took a much cleaner, melodic approach to their punk influences.  I attribute this mostly to the fact that not only was the band younger and more eager to just rip everything apart, but there were different brains behind the writing process.  But what this long diversion is supposed to illustrate is that the signature Foresta/Waste/Phil/Witte sound has been ever so slightly tweaked to the center.

It's a small change, and maybe it's only noticeable to me because I've been a fan for a long time (kind of like how only casual fans or non-fans of Motorhead make the utterly incorrect accusation that all of their songs sound the same), but The Fatal Feast is a lot less insane than their earlier, finer hours.  It's not as all over the place and pushing the highest tempo the band could possible muster, there are a lot more mid paced sections and hard chugging/moshing sections.  Don't get me wrong, there are balls out speedfests here of course, fans of obnoxiously high octane crossover would do well to listen to "12 Step Program", "Unholy Abductor", or "You're a Cunt Whore" (or "Eviction Party" if you have the bonus track).  But also listen to the first half of "New Dead Masters" or the title track, their dedication to high speed insanity has been dialed back a few notches overall.  The real question is whether or not this is a bad thing.  Well... yeah in a way it kind of is.  I always felt Municipal Waste was at their best when they were being both catchy and dangerously fast, hence why Hazardous Mutation will likely always be their best album.  On this newest album, they're a lot more focused and deliberate, which creates a much less frantic pace and presents us with three or four versions of "Sadistic Magician".  This brings the album down a smidgeon in the overall scheme of things.

But it's only a smidgeon, as Municipal Waste's main quality is still here in spades.  Say what you will about their skill or attitude or originality or quality or whatever reason you want to knock them, but you can't deny that Municipal Waste is a boatload of goddamn fun.  I love listening to this album, I love listening to any of the previous albums, and I love seeing the band live.  This is the intangible that keeps them as the reigning champions of post-2000 thrash.  They're crossover masters and they embody this trans-genre swagger in the most entertaining way possible.  The Fatal Feast may not be as shitnards bonkers as Hazardous Mutation or The Art of Partying, but it's easily equally fun.  "New Dead Masters" and "Covered in Sick" should be counted as classics within the Waste's catalog as far as I'm concerned, right next to "Unleash the Bastards" and "Born to Party".  Previous fans are bound to like this just as much as anything before it, and previous non-fans will find absolutely nothing to change their minds.

And that's what makes this what it is, it carries an abundance of energy and a dearth of fucks to give.  Municipal Waste knows what they do best at this point, and they know that experimenting with this sound too much will certainly alienate them from the rabid fanbase they've built up.  You want to know something?  I agree with their mentality entirely.  The Motorhead comparison above is just as apt in this regard.  They know what they do, they know what fans want to hear, and so they deliver with all the passion and fire that they have to give, just like they did at the beginning of their career.  Overall The Fatal Feast doesn't have as many memorable standout tracks (the two I singled out earlier are certainly the highlights regardless) as the second and third albums, and it isn't as crazy or unrestrained as them either, but it still somehow manages to be the best thing they've done in years.  Municipal Waste is the whole package when it comes to this style, they predated the groundswell of 2006-2007 thrash bands and they prove that they're still legit with their fifth album.  Despite the heaps of praise, I do realize that this is an album for established fans only, this isn't going to convert anybody.  But fuck it, I am an established fan and this is a fucking awesome album.  If you aren't an established fan too, then I'm afraid we can't be friends.


RATING - 81%

PanzerBastard - 2006 - 2009

I AM A FALSE PROPHET, GOD IS A SUPERSTITION

June 6th, 2006, was a fateful day for Heavy Metal. For the first time since metal's birth, the dates have aligned to form a sort of tribute to the eternal muse down below… 06-06-06. On this day, Slayer promised to release their new album, Christ Illusion, but bureaucratic setbacks pushed the release back to August. Determined to make the once in a life time chance mean something, Slayer promised to kick off their highly anticipated Unholy Alliance Tour on that day, but Tom Araya's gallbladder surgery pushed that back a week as well. So the fateful day went by with very little happening in the world of metal since one of the biggest bands managed to not pull through with any of their promises. Essentially the only thing that happened was that this was the day when Boston's PanzerBastard took form, and while this isn't quite as momentous an occasion as anything Slayer could've done (as shitty as Christ Illusion was), PanzerBastard delivers some extremely fast and solid Thrash.

2006 – 2009 is a compilation of three earlier demos, Hell Gate, Bastards Die Hard, and Boston. Personally, I find the Bastards Die Hard material to be the best of the lot, disregarding the asinine intro and outro that both consist of essentially one riff repeated over and over again for a few minutes. "No God(s)", "PanzerBastard", and "Bastards Die Hard" are probably the best tracks on the whole compilation, it's just coincidence they all happen to be from the same demo. While some of the musicians have a background in hardcore and punk, not very much manages to seep through. This is Crossover of the thrashiest kind, and the hardcore vocals and blast beats never take away from the almighty riff (the latter actually improves most sections it appears in). Honestly, this reminds me of St. Louis retro-thrashers, Head on Collision; the main difference there being that I can listen to PanzerBastard for more than three songs at a time without getting bored. I'd say check this out. It's nothing revolutionary, but it's solid, thrashing, headbanging fun without some lame gimmick tacked on in order to make it entertaining like so many other new Thrash bands have done.

RATING - 83%


Originally written for www.metalcrypt.com

Stormtroopers of Death - Speak English or Die

Lemme tell ya something 'bout a porcupine's balls

They're small..... and they don't give a SHIT!

If Stormtroopers of Death has anything metal should have, it's the attitude. It's kind of a punk rock attitude mixed almost 50/50 with the thrash metal ideals of the time (beer + fast + more beer = thrashTASTIC!). And with that fuck-the-world mentality flowing through the veins of an early incarnation of Anthrax, S.O.D. was born. From what I understand, Speak English or Die ranks as one of the first crossover thrash records ever recorded, so it obviously has history on it's side, but unfortunately the tendency to have fun gets in the way of the actual songwriting.

Before I get lambasted for bitching about a band trying to have fun, I'd like to point out that no matter what, the music is always the most important part. If the music is fun, that's great, but if it comes off as little more than a poorly written joke, it gets in the way of the enjoyment of the album. Children of Bodom is a prime offender of this, constantly covering non metal songs purely for laughs, not because they might actually sound good or show influence or anything, purely for shiggles. I really don't care if it was the band's intention to just make a stupidly fun record, because if I were to rate music based on if it sounds like what the band wanted it to sound like, everything would have a perfect score! So musically, this album earns exemplary marks for a few excellent thrashers, but far too much goofing off for it's own good.

Songs like Chromatic Death, Speak English or Die, Kill Yourself, and Sargent D and the S.O.D. are thrash monsters worthy of anybody's ears, and if the entire record was as focused musically as these few, it'd be a near perfect album. Unfortunately, the band takes their humorous lyrical approach a bit too seriously at times and churn out worthless time wasters like Hey Gordy!, What's that Noise?, Diamonds and Rust (Extended Version), and Anti Procrastination Song. I'll admit, I think The Ballad of Jimi Hendrix is funny as hell, but it's a complete waste otherwise. The band can't seem if they are in the studio for some lighthearted fun or thrashing listeners' balls off. Some songs (Milk, Pre Menstrual Princess Blues, Speak English or Die) actually do a really good job of intertwining the goofy lyrics and the intense music. When they get it right, they really get it right. Scott Ian riffs just as well as he did with Anthrax at the time, Charlie Benante is still one of my favorite drummers of all time, Dan Lilker is solid as usual, and Billy Milano has a perfect crossover shout. The main reason the album doesn't score higher is because of the wasteful throwaways that litter an otherwise intense and high energy thrash record.

But, as I previously said, this album does fulfill the purpose it sets out to do, and that is make a record that is not only intense, but also a lot of fun. I know I said I shouldn't base a score of something like that, but in the end, the album is highly enjoyable, which is all that really matters, so I lied, the album earns a B+ on the the whole. The joke songs are indeed annoying and flow breaking, but there are a lot less than I may have made it seem. On the whole, it's a fun album, but don't go in looking for anything thought provoking.

FIST BANGING MANIA!

 RATING - 87%

Nadimac - Drzavni Neprijatelj Broj Kec

Just makes you wanna rrrroll yourrr tongue

I'm understandably weary of listening to an album that opens with a riff damn near identical to Metallica's "Fight Fire with Fire". It's bad enough that a band thought it could get away with a note for note transcription of a riff they didn't write, but the audacity to try and take one from a band as monstrously popular as Metallica is just baffling. If I wasn't taught to judge slowly, Drzavni Neprijatelj Broj Kec (say that five times fast!) would've found its way to the recycling bin after nary a full minute into the first song. Thankfully, the plagiarism morphs into mere influence after the opening riff. There aren't many more blatantly borrowed riffs (the first riff in "Trece Oko" is a notable exception, being extremely similar to "After the Holocaust" by Nuclear Assault), but there sure are a lot of moments that make you think "Damn, D.R.I./S.O.D. would be proud".

Simply put, NadimaC play visceral crossover thrash with enough punk influence to only induce the moniker, not the sound. This is thrash to the core, full of razor sharp riffing and chaotic, blazing leads. Fans of early Sadus and Nuclear Assault are sure to find plenty of good material here. One thing I find to be of interest is that NadimaC share a vocalist with Daggerspawn, a Serbian tech death band. I haven't heard any Daggerspawn material, but the fact that the vocalist has a history with such a style of music makes his vocal style actually make a little more sense, as he'll sometimes belt out a deep grunt or higher scream, and these frankly sound infinitely better than the yelling that dominates the record. To me, this shows that his prowess lies in extreme vocals, not crossover shouts.

Underneath the Ed Repka reject artwork and the blatant riff copying in the opening riffset, Drzavni Neprijatelj Broj Kec (which translates roughly to "Public Enemy Number One," in case you were wondering) is actually a very solid thrash romp, if a little back heavy. "Dlake Na Sapunu" and "Zmajeva Jajca" are probably the most memorable, but I'd rank "Hrani Babu Da Te Ujede" as my favorite. NadimaC is nothing groundbreaking and will probably be swept away and forgotten in the grand scheme of things, but it's fun while it lasts.

RATING - 69%








Originally written for http://www.metalcrypt.com

Municipal Waste - Hazardous Mutation

 A Boatload of fun

Municipal Waste... what is there to say about them? This is how crossover is supposed to sound! Long after the glory days of SOD, DRI, Suicidal Tendencies, and MOD, Municipal Waste comes thrashing out of Virginia of all places. This album is like a damn time machine back to the mid 80s when thrash was all about partying and destroying. This, being a crossover release, is bound to have some hardcore punk influence, but trust me when I say it is minute. Songs like Unleash the Bastards or Terror Shark have a bit of a punk tinge to them, but songs like Deathripper and The Thrashin' of the Christ are metal to the bone, thusly negating any negativity one could attempt to dish out on account of the punk influence.

Vocalist Tony Foresta is pretty much the perfect vocalist for the style. His quick, frenzied shouts complement the intense thrashing lunacy of the music exquisitely. Exquisite may be a tad too sophisticated of a term to use to describe something as downright dirty and raunchy as Hazardous Mutation. But by that same respect, this actually has incredible production, all of the instruments are heard crystal clear, even the bass is prominent in the mix (check out the intro to Accelerated Vision), a rarity for metal records.

It can be kind of difficult to distinguish between some of the songs, but when songs like Black Ice are only 24 seconds long, that should be expected. These songs were written with one purpose in mind, to absolutely fucking obliterate everything. Foresta and Co. did not set out to make a thought provoking record, this is not meant to provoke any deep emotions other than intense fury and the desire to throw a kegger. The lyrics range from zombie hordes (Hazardous Mutation), classic 80s horror flicks (The Thing, the opening sample of Guilty of Being Tight), partying (Blood Drive, Bangover), and even religion (The Thrashin' of the Christ (also the best song title ever)).

Again, I can't really write a lengthy review on a record like this, but trust me when I say it is worth every penny to pick this up. This may not be as tailor made for a rager as the follow up, The Art of Partying, but this is, by and large, Municipal Waste's finest hour. The riffs are sharp and precise, the drums are demolishing, the bass is audible and adds to the heaviness a lot, and the vocals are perfect crossover yells.

The top tracks here are Deathripper, The Thrashin' of the Christ, The Thing, Guilty of Being Tight, Terror Shark, and Hazardous Mutation... but you really can't find a bad track here. If anything, Mind Eraser doesn't hold my interest as well as the other ones... at least not until the chorus, but now I'm just nitpicking. If you are paying very, VERY close attention to the musical aspect, you may notice that the music doesn't vary too horribly much, but the record is only about a half hour long, so it never overstays its welcome. Definitely blast this at your next party, it is sure to compliment all of the drunk buffoons in your basement quite nicely.

RATING - 95%

Austrian Death Machine - Total Brutal

Tim Lambesis: The biggest crybaby in metal

Now, if Austrian Death Machine was treated as a light hearted joke, I would probably be much more generous in my analysis. Unfortunately, Tim Lambesis seems to think that Total Brutal is above criticism, and that is nothing but sheer arrogance on the part of the artist. Allow me to explain why I believe Lambesis needs to go drink a gallon of bleach. I heard "Get to the Choppa" from one of my friends. I thought it was actually pretty thrashy despite the goofy breakdown at the end, and I thought that the concept was really funny, so I bought the album. In the special thanks section, it reads, and I fucking quote: "No thanks to anyone who takes this record too seriously. We all recorded this to have fun, so if you don't like it, just put something else on. Also, if you have a better idea and your band is better than my friends and me joking around, then congratulations! Send your demo to Metal Blade Records with a cover sheet that says "We're better than a joke" in bold times new roman size 32 font". Well, this insecure ass decides that nobody is allowed to criticize the album because it is a joke and therefore above any such analysis. He then proceeds to invalidate anybody who thinks it sucks with the last two sentences. I would have let this little sniveling passage slide if it wasn't for track 12, "So Far, So Good, So Let's Talk About It". In this little skit, he actually takes time out of the album to point out that he only spent about an hour writing each song, and that "it sounds way better than a lot of other bands that are totally serious". All notion of this being a light hearted joke flies out the window with that one statement, and proves once and for all that Tim is an insecure douchebag who has no place in the music industry. One of the most important and vital aspects to writing music is the fact that people can and will criticize and offer suggestions for improvement. The fact that he cannot embrace or even grasp this concept is enough to put him on my shit list for eternity. And on top of that, he has the audacity to claim that it is better than several other bands who put their heart into their music. No matter how right he may be, cumming all over your own work is unforgivable as an artist. So fuck you Mr. Lambesis, I'm going to scrutinize the shit out of this record.

Musically, this isn't all that terrible, and actually does have a large crossover thrash influence, but many songs are still plagued by the cliched metalcore breakdowns that his main band, As I Lay Dying, is so fond of. Not only have I always found these breakdowns to be an abysmally lazy attempt at adding more to a song, but they fit even less on these otherwise fast paced thrash songs. The riffing on all of the songs is mostly average, with a few above average to good riffs sneaking in occasionally ("If It Bleeds, We Can Kill It" "You Have Just Been Erased"). The vocals are just Tim's metalcore yell that he is known for, and I think the concept would have been more cohesive if all of the vocals were handled by the "Ahnuld" impersonation. And on the subject of the concept, while it is indeed original and humorous, the joke is taken way too far at times, namely "What it's Like to Be a Singer at Band Practice", which is a fifteen or twenty second joke stretched out nearly a minute too far. Most of the little skits are completely pointless and could have easily been cut. But hey, if they weren't there, then maybe big, blubbering Tim wouldn't feel like he was conveying the message that this was a joke well enough (as if an Arnold Schwarzenegger concept album wasn't a big enough clue). So who knows, whether we like it or not, there are pointless and unfunny skits scattered throughout.

Every song also features a solo by some random dude that you probably haven't heard of and probably don't care about, but none of them are necessarily bad. They all show up at appropriate times, play for appropriate lengths, and are generally very good. It's sad that they play over such bland music. Again, none of the riffs are bad, but they aren't very stimulating either. There isn't much use to a song that just kind of runs through your head and exits immediately afterwards. It wouldn't be so forgettable if every song didn't follow the same formula. Intro, verse, chorus, breakdown/solo (these sometimes switch up), chorus, exeunt. While they may not all follow that template VERBATIM, the general idea is there. Every song has a forced, singalong chorus, a corny breakdown, and a guitar solo. Tim is quite proud of that last fact, and it quickly loses it's charm after you learn that he was purposely forcing them in because he thinks that's how metal should sound... at least he did a good job of covering it up.

Bottom line, Austrian Death Machine was formed purely for the sake of a joke. Lambesis makes it quite clear that he had fun making the record, and that's good. Music is supposed to incite enjoyment in some form. Unfortunately, he is so insecure about his mediocrity and inability to write a lasting song, that he's hiding behind the veil of the joke, and simply covering his ears and shouting "LA LA LA LA LA" every time somebody voices a negative opinion. So hear me on this one, Tim. The riffs are mediocre, the breakdowns are awful, the vocals are bad, and the songs are boring and forgettable. Please, stop acting like your shit doesn't stink. Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass, you'd realize you've just gotten used to the smell.

RATING - 15%