But honestly, that's a bullshit reason to give a low rating. I LOVE post rock, I really do, so don't try and peg me as one of those jackasses that slips into a coma if I go more than five minutes without a screaming guitar solo. The reason Troll has earned such a low rating from me is because it is boring and grating on a scale I never thought possible. Have you ever played any of the games from the Europa Universalis series? Well if you have, just imagine the music played during the main menu screen, that's what this album sounds like. It's light, pleasant, and motherfucking pop for the medieval age.
The main use this album gets out of me is sleeping music. This works as a decent lullaby when the woman is singing, and puts me to sleep as well as Sigur Ros or God is an Astronaut does, but that's only if I pass out within the first two songs. Otherwise the sheer amount of bullshit that they managed to cram into this piece of shit begins seeping out like ten pounds of cum in a three ounce bag, and it all starts because of their weak attempts at metal. There aren't even any noticeable guitars until the third track really, and they do naught but plod under otherwise decent, if rather bland, string melodies. Also, that dude shouldn't be singing. His voice isn't as bad as, say... the guy from Masterpiece, but he doesn't hold a candle to the pleasant coos of the female vocalist, who I would prefer sing the whole album. The vocal shortcomings are but minor inconveniences when compared to the numbingly dull instrumentals. I honestly think that Lumsk could rank as a top tier soprano and fiddle campfire folk duo, but then again everything is perfect in a narrow enough scope. When neither the female vocals or violin is carrying a pleasant melody, you find yourself in folk purgatory. Luckily, that is a rare occurrence.
So if there is almost always a pleasant melody happening, why must I hate on this? Why the low score? Well, because it's BORING. I can hardly make it through songs like Allvis, there's almost nothing going on! And every time the music picks up and tries to be heavy in some way, it falls flat. Songs like Perpålsa and Åsgårdsreia are some of the worst I've heard in the genre, I'm willing to go that far. Also, the male vocals are atrocious. Again, I've heard much worse, but they still suck a big fat cocksicle. Blæster has potential to be the best song here, but he has this annoying tendency of opening his goddamn mouth and making sounds into the microphone whenever my interest is actually piqued. It's like I've got this huge, delicious apple pie in front of me. I take a slice and bite in, it's great fucking pie, but the next bite yields a chunk of a dead rat. Gross! By sheer determined retardation, I take another bite, and it is good. Maybe it was just a fluke, one dead rat can't ruin a whole pie right? Well true to form, the next bite contains some other bit of nastiness, and I throw the pie at my neighbors in frustration. And if you listen past the voices and strings, you'll find that the rest of the band either got locked out of the studio during the recording, or just decided not to bother trying really hard. The drums are lazy and repetitive, and the same can be said about the guitars, bass, and keys.
In the end, I don't full-on hate Troll. I think it is very seriously flawed, but has potential. Don't be fooled into thinking you'll find some quality metal here, but you'll find some decent folk. The music is droning and dull, but the female vocals and violin are 100% sublime. I can't help but think the band is dragging those two down, draining some of their talent away, but then I remember that they are the two most prominent things here. Again, it doesn't take away from the shortcomings. So even though this is about as metal as Play-Doh, it's an interesting listen from time to time. It fails overall due to the problems I've mentioned, but you can do much worse than Lumsk.
RATING - 39%
(as an aside, I'd like to point out how awesome I think the album cover is)
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