Jesus fuck mothering tit spray! This band has fans? Of all the world's mysteries, that is the one I would most like explained. I just don't get it.... I can liken it to the Manson family. Who in their right mind listens to this on their own free will? I won't lie, I haven't heard any other Six Feet Under prior to this release, but you can't fucking pay me to try anything else by this bland pile of anus.
I'll start this off with the positive, Thou Shalt Kill actually has a pretty cool riff here and there, and the same can be said about Zombie Executioner or Resurrection of the Rotten, but that's it. The entire five points come from those three or four riffs. The rest of the record is boring, monotonous, tedious, uninspired, and just unequivocally bad. There is no intensity, no fire, no ambition, it's just a plodding exercise in not headbutting a sidewalk. Chris Barnes' vocals are about as good as a piss and broccoli soup with sweat broth. They never ever change, which isn't a necessity, but when you have as bad of a voice as Barnes or the guy from Meshuggah, the very least you can do is change it up every once in a while before people start wanting to pry your eyes out with a salad fork. Listen to when he tries to do some higher pitched stuff, it sounds like one of the Thundercats licked it's nuts a few too many times and now has to hock up a monstrous hairball. It's fucking terrible, I've heard better flatulence than this "legend's" half assed croaking.
And for the music? Plodding, boring, uninspired, just very dull. The most extreme example off the top of my head would be the first realization after reaching track five, Bled to Death. Didn't I just hear that shit?! It's the exact fucking riff as the opening track! They can't even scrounge up enough ideas to go literally fifteen minutes without reusing a previous hackneyed "idea". And the worst part? It's not even a good riff to start with! Nothing intrigues me about this disgusting album musically. It's always midpaced and seems afraid to stray away from the same six chords used throughout the album. I understand that the intention with Six Feet Under was to make death metal that wasn't reliant on speed and blast beats, but this is just really bad. You can't shit on a raccoon and hurl it on a canvas and reply "well it's SUPPOSED to look bad" when somebody points out that it fucking sucks as art.
The only redeeming quality about this auditory thumb screw torture would be the fact that no songs are over four minutes long, which means the pain is over quickly. I honestly don't know what's worse about it, the uninspired, plodding riffage or Chris Barnes' atrocious garble. It's like taking a Vietnamese POW and forcing him to choose between being sodomized by a cactus or being nipple clamped to death.
In short (as I can't stand to listen to this festering turd any longer than necessary), this is almost the nadir of musical... well everything. The songs are all boring, every riff and drum beat sounds uninspired, the vocals are monotonous, and the album on the whole is about as much fun as watching your best friend suck off your dad. Avoid this horrendously offending pile of offal at all costs. Honestly, you'll have a more enjoyable experience gargling a pint of nut sweat.
RATING - 5%
They only made one good album: Haunted. How many times did I play Quake with that album spinning in a beige, cum-stained CD-ROM drive... enough to rot my syphilitic brain into the swirling mess of cock it is today. They got it right in the beginning, then starting pig squealing like a bunch hogs getting fucked by Hooter the Six-fingered Redneck. This particular disc is suitable for stretching your asshole so you may shit through the hole in the middle whilst Hooter has his way. Oh, my lawd, what have they done?
ReplyDeleteAnd don't shit on raccoons in order to use them for artistic purposes. They may be nothing but rabies-infected, garbage raiding, glorified rats, but they have feelings, too. They don't work all day just to undo a knot of tie wire you so stupidly twisted in order to seal them off from the bags of used condoms you soiled in order to keep your betrothed from birthing a retarded niglet baby. Someone, think of the children. Don't let them enter this abused existence.
Rating: This is supposed to be metal? Why don't I put on The Beach Boys instead?%