Tuesday, October 10, 2017



It's come to my attention that there have been some several trillion nimrod fuckholes across the years that have accused me of not being metal.  I know, right??  This is the gravest of injustices that can be leveled at such an unstoppable force of metal supremacy such as myself, so I'm going to take the next thousand words or so to illustrate how little of a fuck I give and also prove once and for all that I AM PURE FUCKING OSMIUM AND YOU ARE ALL LITTLE BABIES THAT I CHEW UP FOR FUN.

Allow me to bullet point every reason you're all fucking idiots.

Lair of the Bastard is a completely valueless hobby.  I don't make a single fucking cent making fun of Wintersun and making Manilla Road fanboys cry.  I've been doing this shit for the better part of a decade when I posted a really terrible review on the Metal Archives for Children of Bodom's Are You Dead Yet?  And ever since then, I've made precisely zero dollars doing this stupid bullshit all by myself.  I am the only full time staffer on Lair of the Bastard, even if that means I don't adequately cover every genre and go months at a whack without any sort of update.  I'm not popular and I utilize a uselessly narrow skillset to amuse myself in hopes that other people might enjoy it as well while also slaving away at a full time job trying to support my diet of red meat and chocolate.  There isn't one single corporate entity on the planet who would even want to sponsor or buy out a blog that's so lazy that it's been running for nearly seven years without ever bothering to make a fucking logo for itself.  Is there anything more metal than losing money on a dumb aggressive hobby in your bedroom?  Yeah I didn't fucking think so.

Lair of the Bastard is bullheaded and stupid.  I'm a dumb motherfucker.  I can properly use words like "obsequies" and "fecundity" but that just means I listen to a lot of Bad Religion.  If you think that the only thing I care about is attention and rageclicks, then why do you think I routinely talk shit about Gorguts and Meshuggah and Overkill and all manner of mega popular metal bands?  Do you think Metal Hammer is banging on my door to get the rights to an article that utilizes the imagery of Iron Maiden chokeslamming Scrappy Doo into a puddle of jizz?  DO YOU THINK THERE IS ONE ADVERTISER ON THE PLANET WHO WANTS TO ASSOCIATE THEMSELVES WITH A DUDE WHO SAYS DIO SUCKED FOR 80% OF HIS CAREER??

Additionally, I've been accused of being both a snotty asshole elitist who only listens to Brenoritvrezorkre and of being an idiotic Nuclear Blast fellating mainstream whore.  Yeah so what, maybe I want to listen to and talk about both popular and underground bands like Metallica and The Black Dahlia Murder?  Did you ever think I could cultivate an audience by talking about something as insane as whatever the fuck I wanted to talk about?  The absolute shittiest way to run a business is to have a fucking identity.  I'm working on a feature that scientifically proves that Protest the Hero is, has been, and always will be better than Gorguts, my own readers hate me and that puts me on the same level of notoriety as motherfucking Burzum and you know it.

And why else would I constantly take low blow potshots at Republican politicians?


I honestly believe that everything I do directly betters an insignificant genre of music that I've built my entire identity around.  And if I sit idly by and don't use my bully pulpit of immense power and influence to remind everybody that I'm right and everybody else is a fucking retard and some shitty band like Winds of Plague thinks it's okay to make a new album because I haven't called them morons in a few years or Emperor has the gall to release some seminal classics decades ago despite their drummer being a homophobic murderer, an entire genre of music will fucking die.  I am your god damned savior.  I speak from a place of a place of self appointed superiority and if Manowar can build an entire career on that then so can INothing is more metal than baselessly claiming moral superiority over 100% of the population of the planet.  Nothing is less poser than dedicating an entire editorial explaining how everybody is a poser except me.

And hey, just to throw it out there again, if I didn't want to be poor, I'd just work for an investment firm or be a corporate lawyer because my knowledge of Enbilulugugal qualifies me to do whatever the fuck I want to do.  I chose to do this because I am just so motherfucking generous.  I EAT BONES AND SHIT GHOSTS, I CUM LIKE A CAMEL SPITS, YOU ARE ALL WORTHLESS AND WEAK AND WITHOUT ME THE ONLY BANDS YOU'D BE ABLE TO LISTEN TO WOULD BE ALPHAVILLE AND SKREWDRIVER.

Lair of the Bastard is offensive to your grandma.  Look, we all know that conservatives are woman hating dingdongs, and the fact that I just said that out loud without dropping an N-bomb makes me a cultural tour de force that should be remembered in the halls of history forever.  Somehow there are a bunch of idiots who think that true rebellion is following jack booted authoritarian types and those people are nimrods but the fact that I openly believe that makes me more of a metallic iconoclast than Varg Vikernes or Tom Araya.  I listen to Napalm Death and Misery Index AND THAT MAKES ME SMARTER THAN ALL OF YOU COWARDS.

The world is awful and the fact that I sit at my computer and spin short fiction about how Donald Trump is a malevolent demi-creature from the Shadow Realm while listening to Dying Fetus basically makes me a Headbanging Malcom X and you should all appreciate how fucking bold I am to agree with a majority of my peers.  Everybody except me is a fucking idiot.  YOU BITCHDICKS AIN'T GOT SHITTITS ON HOW MUCH OF AN ABRASIVE SELF RIGHTEOUS JACKASS I AM AND YOU SHOULD RUN AND FUCKING HIDE FROM THE UNSTOPPABLE TIDE OF UNIRONIC ELITISM THAT FLOODS THE SEWERS EVERY TIME I PISS.

Lair of the Bastard is a forward thinking genius.  I embody the entire idea of progressivism, from the fact that I am a certified race traitor who thinks poor people shouldn't be subjugated as khaffit, to the fact that I think Melechesh is better than Six Feet Under, but that's not what's important.

What's truly important is that I'm a clairvoyant sage.  The landscape of metal has changed since 1970 when we had a whopping two bands to choose from.  I noticed that, I pointed that out, how the fuck can you knuckle-dragging ingrates even compare to me?  I said music streaming services would be a game changer since they offer all the convenience of illegally downloading music with none of the guilt and I was right.  I heard The Browning mix brainless chugga chugga breakdowns with effortless N-TSS N-TSS dance music and claimed they would take a subniche by storm way back in 2010 before they even released anything on a major label and I was right.  I looked at a pattern of 30 years' worth of terrible releases and proclaimed the newest Annihilator album would suck and do you even want to bother guessing how that ended?

Like Nocturnus, Atheist, and Voivod, I embody the will of the enlightened by looking towards the future and disdaining the good ol' days.  Nostalgia is a hell of a drug, and nothing is worse that the glut of terrible rethrash bands that resurfaced in the late 2000s to put on a thrasher costume and rip off Exodus and Kreator until the cows came home.  The bands who cropped up in the last decade with the sole intention of ripping off forgotten Finndeath classics while cramming as much mystikal polysyllabic sophistry into their lyrics as possible and dissonant jangledeath doesn't count because I say so but everything else that isn't a completely fresh take on a 47 year old style of music is a worthless void of mediocrity and I am basically fucking Einstein for realizing that.  WHAT COULD BE MORE METAL THAN BUCKING TRENDS BY STRICTLY ADHERING TO THEM?  IS THAT NOT THE MOST SUBVERSIVE POST-POST-POST IRONIC META-STATEMENT ANYBODY COULD EVER MAKE??  I AM AN INTENTIONALLY HOLIER-THAN-THOU PIECE OF SHIT AND THAT PUTS ME AT LEAST TEN LEVELS ABOVE YOU PLEBS.  Myrkur is innovative and Fallujah is the be-all-end-all of forward thinking melodic metal and I will not hear one fact to the contrary.  Gargle my balls.

MOST IMPORTANTLY: LAIR OF THE BASTARD IS NOT A DUNDERHEAD INCAPABLE OF SELF AWARENESS.  Here at Lair of the Bastard, I don't run a fucking bottomfeeding gossip rag.  I don't run poorly thought out bi-annual smear pieces based entirely on hearsay with no word from the accused group to defend themselves.  I don't run articles about how black metal institutions like Inquisition are "probably" Nazis based on a random former Nazi tour bus driver recalling a foggy memory from 20 years ago, a random former Nazi who has been noted for accusing completely innocent bands and/or ones that were unaware that one of their members had since-disavowed Nazi sympathies a decade prior.  I don't find myself completely failing to comprehend how people can change and drop their edgelord childishness when they grow up.  I don't miss the most obvious Sabbath reference since the bridge riff in "I Love the Lamp" on Electric Wizard's new album and scratch my head confused as to why they would reference Sepultura's shitty nu metal album and still unironically claim to be an authority on metal.  I may not endorse every dumb thing GWAR says but I don't clutch my pearls and act shocked when a band that routinely makes jokes about their own founding member's fatal heroin overdose cracks a suicide joke about Chester Bennington in between songs about raping babies and injecting a dinosaur egg with smack in hopes it will murder hippies when it hatches.  I don't help perpetuate the circular firing squad that the internet culture has helped foster by attacking one of the most respected underground metal labels in recent memory because some of their releases are by shitty racist fuckwads.  I don't perpetuate the stereotype that metalheads are both ignorant gobshites AND head-in-anus fart sniffing pompous buttheads.  I don't help expose an actual sexual predator like the dude from Ovid's Withering and then mysteriously delete the article with no explanation even though it's one of the only times one of my "expose" pieces was totally on the money and I actually did some tangible fucking good in the world, prompting rumors that I was paid to keep it hush and doing jack fucking nothing to address said rumors.  I don't take easy shots at Dave Mustaine and Ted Nugent while simultaneously jerking off Machine Head to the point of carpal tunnel simply because I seem to be under the impression that the only prerequisite to assembling guitar notes in such an order that isn't so fucking boring that it accelerates natural death is to simply not be a white supremacist douchebag.  I've never written an impossibly cringey "manifesto" acting like I'm some beacon of truth and justice and a savior for the common dipshit headbanger.

And I'm not incapable of writing an editorial about how I'm objectively superior and smarter and more fucking metal broooo than everybody who doesn't like me without suffocating heaps of self aware irony instead of coming across as a self collapsing vortex of hypocrisy essentially morphing my self righteous verbal diarrhea into a condescending Five Finger Death Punch song.

Fuck everybody.

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