Thursday, August 12, 2010

Cryptopsy - The Unspoken King

Like a cattle prod sodomy...

I now distinguish between Cryptopsy and Craptopsy, with the latter beginning their career with this album, and I propose that the head honchos of the Archives add Craptopsy as an alternate name, so it'll show up upon searching. There are reasons I listen to Cryptopsy, and then there are reasons I don't listen to deathcore. I listen to Cryptopsy (albeit not as often as most fans seems to) for the hyperblasting intensity, vile yet indecipherable lyrics, Lord Worm's frenzied and frankly terrifying growls and shrieks, the unnecessary and foolish yet bizarrely entertaining bass breaks, and Flo's absolute kit mastery. I don't listen to deathcore for the unimaginative riffing, groove gone wrong, god awful vocals, copious useless breakdowns, and pretty much every element that is a staple to the genre. I've tried to appreciate these bands for what they are, but I just can't. Craptopsy has managed to take the worst of both deathcore AND fucking mallcore, throw out all of their previously established traits, and market it to the lowest common denominator of music fans.

I sit here in my basement, on an old Dell computer, drinking a generic brand of Dr. Pepper, eating a cheap Frito's knockoff, and I'm listening to this album, and I cannot convince myself that I'm surrounded by mediocrity. The computer works, the pop and chips are decent, but the music is absolute unmitigated shit. I'm listening to a mallcore abortion with traces of deathcore thrown in just to piss off the old fans. There are breakdowns galore, it's like Killswitch Engage's wet dream. There is nothing wrong with breakdowns when used tastefully (listen to Raining Blood for a prime example), but so many shitty bands nowadays have decided that a breakdown is just a perpetually unchanging open chord in an atypical rhythm. It can work, but not here. Craptopsy has essentially created the perfect failure in the sense of the breakdowns.

But lets not get hung up on something silly like breakdowns, because that is but a small part of the music as a whole. Well, I'll tell you that the songwriting is equally atrocious. Maybe not in terms of structure, as that's a stupid thing to bitch about, let alone take time to make an analytical evaluation of such a thing, but in terms of what is in the songs. New vocalist Matt McGachy is decent by deathcore standards, so I guess he fits... But then again, I'm not going to compliment a complete dickhead for being really good at kicking me in the balls. Every once in a while, he attempts this punch worthy clean mallcore whining. As soon as ANY trace of mallcore appears in your music, you might as well tuck your nuts inwards, return your metalhead license, and leave the fucking hall. The new keyboardist, Maggie Durand, serves zero purpose and is only audible four or five times. It's like a saxophonist joining Motorhead! What's the fucking point?! If they could've utilized her properly *cue jokes*, she could've been an interesting addition that may have been the breath of fresh air that Cryptopsy needed. Instead, she does piss all and has her name on the first Craptopsy record. Nice way to sully your careers morons!

Even the established members are underwhelming. Flo only shows what he's made of a few times while the rest of this atrocity is just really uncreative beats with none of the charm or intensity that the previous records contained. The bass sounds mallcorish, and there are nearly zero solos on the record. Solos aren't a necessity, but when the music is this boring and/or bad, a little break like that is appreciated. But, as has been said, and as all Cryptopsy fans have feared, with both Jon and Worm gone, The Unspoken King lacks everything that made Cryptopsy what it was back in the 90s. And as if the performances weren't dull and crappy enough, almost every song is over four minutes, which is way too long for this bullshit music.

This is one of the few bands that deserves to lose points purely for the past. Honestly, on a purely musical level, this might score something in the teens. I know I'll be bitched at for that comment, but I feel it holds merit here. If Helloween would've released Obscura, would it still have such a ridiculously high score? No, that is a case (albeit an extreme one) where the name actually becomes a hindrance. The worst of the worst on here are most likely Bemoan the Martyr, Anoint the Dead, The Plagued, and Contemplate Regicide, but trust me when I say nothing is remotely good. The Headsmen actually has a few enjoyable parts, but it's one of the VERY rare occasions.

Congratulations Craptopsy, are you proud of all the new fans you've garnered? I've yet to meet a Cryptopsy fan yet that has liked The Unspoken King. In all, there are nearly no redeeming qualities at all, and deserves every chunk of shit thrown at it. Grating, unimaginative, objectively shitty, some of the worst wannabe Job for a Cowboy vocals I've ever heard (why anybody would ever look to that band for inspiration is beyond me), unimpressive, and repulsive in every sense of the word. Please, do yourselves a favor and don't follow in my footsteps. Do not listen to The Unspoken King. Go drink a triple thick diarrhea milkshake straight from your mother's ass, it'll probably be more enjoyable than this god awful abomination of an album.


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