Tuesday, August 4, 2015

TOP 50 ALBUMS OF THE 00s: Part III

Hey hey hey, we're back.  By now you all know what the deal is so I'm just gonna keep going, and if you're lost, the previous two posts are right over there, they'll explain it for you.

CONTINUING ON:


30. The Axis of Perdition - Deleted Scenes from the Transition Hospital (2006)
Fuck.  This album is scary as shit, which is an adjective I use to describe precisely zero other metal albums, and that should mean something.  I know I mentioned that the list was metal exclusive, and this is the one album that sorta stretches that definition, as it gets more and more ambient as it goes on, and on the whole spends more time focusing on quiet horror in the background of insanity.  Nothing causes nightmares quite like a filthy, abandoned insane asylum, and The Axis of Perdition take this image and run with it so hard that it would rival Usain Bolt if it could actually do such a stupid metaphor.  Deleted Scenes from the Transition Hospital is terrifying nightmare fuel of the highest order, and the occasional black metal parts work astoundingly well in the scope of all the tense atmosphere.  I know that I said, once upon a time, that the metal parts were distracting from the creepy sounds of this long vacant death ward, but upon reflection they symbolize the idea of a crazy person very well.  Whenever the appropriately mechanical drums start churning and blasting into a hell soaked fever dream, it works as the musical manifestation of a psychotic episode.  Despite all of the slow building atmosphere and all the grinding and clanking and moaning, this version of insanity is still manic.  It's the sound of isolation in a confusing and clearly malevolent world, and the imaginary narrator hasn't had a grip on his own sanity in quite some time, causing semi random violent outbursts at unexpected times.  I hate to do this, but really the best way to sum up this album is to just quote myself.  "[This album is] the horror and madness of a long dead and abandoned insane asylum, roving with malevolent apparitions whose sole purpose is to mindfuck you so hard that you give mindbirth. To nightmares."


29. Torture Squad - Pandemonium (2003)
Man, remember when Torture Squad was the hottest shit on the block?  It's unfortunate that this band seemed to disappear so quickly after the following few albums managed to disappoint, but Pandemonium has stood the test of time like very few thrash albums post-1992 have.  There is a massive amount of death metal in here as well, and it helps keep the songs varied and stand out individually as worlds apart from where the genre was at the time.  The abundance of blast beats and the deep roars of the vocalist keep the riffs (which are fairly firmly rooted in the styles of Kreator, Sodom, and Sepultura) free to do their own thing within the thrash mold.  It's all very creative in a very specific way, with enough shifts in tempo and riffing style to keep things interesting for the listener.  The fact that there are truly only seven songs helps as well, since it never overstays its welcome, instead opting to do its job extraordinarily well and then buggering off to let you enjoy it again.  It's sort of sad that the mark this album left on the metal world finally seems to be fading (three "blah" followups certainly hurt your credibility), but it's still strong in my heart, fading as it may be.  Just because the relevance of something so unabashedly thrashy and powerful from a time when the genre was remembered as merely a style that had long passed and would never fully return has waned, doesn't mean the quality has dipped in any capacity.  The shock and awe may be gone, but the riffs never will.  Every single review I've ever read for any given Torture Squad album has mentioned or been compared to Pandemonium, and there's good reason for that.  This didn't get popular on accident.


28. Exmortus - In Hatred's Flame (2008)
Man remember when this was the hottest shit on the block?  No?  Well okay, that's because Exmortus never really took the world by storm like I was anticipating, which is a shame because while Torture Squad mixed thrash metal with some heavy elements of death metal, Exmortus took thrash metal and mixed it with fucking everything.  Everything here draws from different pools of influence, with neoclassical Andy LaRocque solos everywhere, a very death metal style of production and deep roar for vocals, European power metal riffs in "Triumph By Fire", black metal dissonance and atmosphere in "Fimbulwinter" and "Onward to Battle", and even a blend of Iron Maiden and Children of Bodom for "Valor and Might" (which incidentally starts with pretty much the coolest bass lick of all time).  This works in so many ways because, despite the band constantly being lumped in with the new wave of thrash bands cropping up around the time, they never really and truly played thrash at this juncture.  This album was something else entirely, some sort of melodic technical death/thrash with influences from everywhere in between.  What this is, more than anything, is memorable.  There are no filler tracks here, which is impressive for an eleven track album, and all of them have some sort of recurring theme, riff, melody, or even just a really gnarly dueling solo section that sticks with you like a tick.  It's a huge shame that the band decided to be more "normal" after this album and started eliminating all of the little flourishes from other genres that made In Hatred's Flame so memorable, instead opting for a toned down thrash with dashes of death metal here and there, essentially becoming the precursor to Battlecross (aka "being solid, okay, and inoffensive but having precisely zero songs or elements stand out").  I saw these guys a few days after Christmas in 2009, and there were probably thirty people there tops, and they did a wall of death for "War Gods" anyway.  Nine people did it, and it was still fucking awesome.  That's how rad they were back when this album was their only real claim to fame.


27. Ensiferum - Iron (2004)
It almost physically pains me to admit that something Jari Maenpaa was involved in was exceptionally good, but even the taint of his shitty rockstar attitude and utter inability to write to his strengths does nothing to hamper the classic status of early Ensiferum.  The self titled debut is usually hailed as the true classic in the band's discography, but I personally think it's a portrait of a band with a lot of ideas and no clue how to filter them, since half of the songs are slow and dull while the other half are a collection of the greatest folk metal songs ever written.  The followup, Iron, is held in fairly close to equally high esteem, but to me it irons out most of the kinks in the debut, as it is overall much more focused and unified.  The scope of the songwriting opened up considerably, as tracks like "Tale of Revenge", "Into Battle", and "LAI LAI HEI" are just huge songs.  It's a super cliche description of basically anything epic to say it takes you on a journey, but these songs really do such a thing for me.  "Tale of Revenge" still gives me chills to this day, it's really one of those flawless classic songs for a genre.  Everything about this album is really just that, it's huge, it's grand, it's massive, it's just a testament to these larger than life tales of heroism, and it spins these tales with all of the added flair and bombast of a jongleur's recitation as opposed to a somber bard's tale.  Yes, there is a problem with the album in that "Lost in Despair" and "Tears" are just boring, shitty songs, but the fact that those two stinkers appear and the album still almost makes it to the upper half of this list shows just how fucking incredible the rest of the songs truly are.  Even Jari's dorky falsetto screeching on "Sword Chant" comes off as a charming quirk instead of a boneheaded fuck up.  From the down to earth fury of the thrashing "Slayer of Light" to the hands-to-the-sky epic anthem of "Into Battle", all but two songs hit bullseye with every single second they're afforded.  I feel sort of bad freely admitting that this is a flawed gem and ranking it higher than albums I love all the way through, but the truth of the matter is that this would be in serious danger of being in the top ten if it weren't for them, it's that good.  Iron helped define what folk metal would sound like when taken seriously, and to this day almost nobody sounds like Ensiferum.


26. Fleshgod Apocalypse - Oracles (2009)
Before Fleshgod Apocalypse gained infinite notoriety and mainstream love for blending crazy death metal with bombastic symphonics, they were the greatest tech death band in existence.  What we know as tech death, the style popularized by Necrophagist and Origin as opposed to the early styles like Nocturnus and Suffocation, was perfected here, with an emphasis on bone crushing riffs just as much as jackhammering percussion and flashy leads.  Oracles blended all of the best elements from every school of tech death, taking the frenetic riffs of Neuraxis and the searing melody of Decrepit Birth and formed it all into this gigantic mutant of destruction.  Don't get me wrong, some of the classical elements that would eventually define their style are here, there are a handful of piano intros here and there, but none of the booming horns or screeching clean vocals.  At this point in time, they were still firmly a death metal band and they were out to death that metal like no metal had ever been deathed.  That's why Oracles is so much more impressive than Agony or Labyrinth.  Their later albums stand out because so few bands sound like them, and even though there are a few, most normal Metalsucks readers and Liquid Metal listeners aren't going to be familiar with Septic Flesh.  Their debut here, on the other hand, stands out for simply being better than any of their peers.  The songwriting on display here is phenomenal, as the intensity is already obviously through the roof by the very nature of the genre, but it's pushed even further than eleven, and there are catchy hooks thrown every which way without ever truly slowing down or relenting in any fashion.  That first riff of "Embodied Deception" isn't going to be found on any Brain Drill album, is what I'm saying.  I wish Fleshgod would have stuck with this direction, because as much as I love Hour of Penance, Neuraxis, and Spawn of Possesion, none of them were ever quite on the level as early Fleshgod.  Oracles stands as both the pinnacle of the genre, and as a resounding question mark as to what could have been.


25. Type O Negative - Dead Again (2007)
While Dead Again is usually considered one of the weaker Type O Negative albums, it's actually in serious danger of being my favorite one.  Type O was notorious for having albums that were nearly torturously long, with several songs approaching or breaching the ten minute mark on albums with 15 tracks, and Dead Again is basically the first one to break that mold, with only ten tracks and much more shorter, punky, poppy songs than Bloody Kisses or World Coming DownLife is Killing Me attempted this as well, but nothing really nailed it quite like their 2007 swansong did.  Peter Steele's inimitable baritone croon is in top form and the riffs range from the preposterously slow and oppressive, to the pummelingly speedy.  There's probably more variety here in more overt fashion than they ever showcased before, with the fast melodic thrash/punk of the title track, to the blatant Sabbath worship in "An Ode to Locksmiths" and half of "Tripping a Blind Man", to the fast, Carnivore throwbacks of "Some Stupid Tomorrow" and the other half of "Tripping a Blind Man", to just whatever beautiful fucking catchy thing "Halloween in Heaven" is considered, everything hits bullseye.  Admittedly, yeah there is a big flaw in "These Three Things" just being way too goddamn long for the few ideas present, but much like Ensiferum a few entries up, the rest of the songs are so well put together and flawlessly executed that it ends up not really mattering in the long run.  I haven't even touched on "September Sun" and "She Burned Me Down", because really there's just so much quality on display, tackled from so many different angles that I don't know how to talk about it without descending into googly eyed lunacy.  A vast majority of the album is dripping with that gothic doom swagger that so few bands can really manage.  There are hooks everywhere and pretty much all of them stick like glue.  As far as I'm concerned, this is the closest they ever got to sequelizing Bloody Kisses, and that's fine by me.  When people think of "gothic metal", they usually think "riffless symphonic metal with a shrill female vocalist that wishes she was in an opera", but that's why Type O is so great in this regard, as they're basically the only gothic metal band to truly earn the name by taking heaps of influence from gothic rock like Bauhaus and Fields of the Nephilim.  Ergo, Type O Negative is the only true goth metal band in existence, and even if they weren't, they'd still be the best by lightyears.


24. Gamma Ray - No World Order! (2001)
If anybody ever asks me why I love power metal so much when it's so sonically and conceptually the opposite of my usual stomping grounds of extreme metal, I just point to Germany and say that it's No World Order's fault.  The syrupy smoothness of Helloween and Sonata Arctica is all well and good, but Gamma Ray was always a little rough around the edges, and that's always been a huge draw for me.  Listen to just how dark and menacing the bridge of "Dethrone Tyranny" is, or the downtuned, frantic thrash chugs of "Heart of the Unicorn", or even the brutal stomp of "Damn the Machine".  It all blends in so well with the optimistic, double bass filled staples of the genre like "Heaven and Hell" and "Follow Me".  They make their music a little darker and heavier than most of their contemporaries without resorting to stupid tricks that sacrifice songwriting like slowing down or chugging for heaviness.  No, everything here is based in the whole idea of "sped up Judas Priest and Iron Maiden" that the entire genre is built on.  There are soaring harmonized melodies, speedy dueling solos, extremely high pitched vocals, ridiculously catchy hooks and choruses, and everything else that power metal is known for, but they do it with a sneer as opposed to a smile.  Gamma Ray may have gotten a ton of notoriety with rampant riff stealing after this album (though this one technically started it with "Solid" being a clear "homage" to Judas Priest's "Rapid Fire"), but at this point in their history their songwriting was still original and just as flashy as it was grounded.  The scariest thing about the band is that this is only what I'd consider to be their fourth best album, and if I ever did a "Best of the 90s" list, the previous three albums would rank easily.  This middle period of their career is just on a whole other level of songwriting and catchiness that only Blind Guardian could manage to surpass.  No World Order does everything its predecessors do, but it does it with a kind of crooked toothed, chainsmoking attitude in the forefront that was merely moderately present before.


23. Cannibal Corpse - Gore Obsessed (2002)
Hey asshole!  You already put Cannibal on this list like twenty spots ago with Kill!  Yeah I didn't specify that there was one release per band now did I?  Why should Kill not get the recognition it deserves merely because Gore Obsessed is better?  And in all honesty, Gore Obsessed is by far the most underrated Cannibal Corpse album.  Despite having fan favorites "Savage Butchery" and "Hatchet to the Head", it's normally lost in the white noise.  And that's silly, because there are like six other bona fide classics to be found on this album.  "Grotesque" is quite possibly my favorite Cannibal song, and it's normally swept under the rug in terms of fan appreciation and setlist appearances, not to mention rippers like "Pit of Zombies", "Dormant Bodies Bursting", and "Hung and Bled".  Even the trademark creepy, dripping slow track, "When Death Replaces Life", is fucking brutal on a level they almost never matched again.   This is probably their most focused and tightest work in the scope of their entire career, and the album is all the better for the dialed back technicality (unlike Bloodthirst, which is fucking insane (and still one of their best albums)) in favor of a more basic savagery.  Cannibal Corpse is really the last bastion of pure death metal, waving the flag they wove back in 1991 today as fervently as they ever have.  This is the apex of Corpsegrinder's career as well, even though his voice hasn't deteriorated one iota since joining in 1995, it's just that teeny bit further over the edge on this one.  I can't recommend this enough.  If you're a fan of the band who always sort of ignored this album in favor of the more popular albums, go back and rock out to this so hard your neck breaks, and if you've never quite gotten into the band, this is potentially the best place to start, since it sums up the Corpsegrinder era with one of their best performances.  If you don't like Cannibal Corpse, you don't get to pretend you like death metal.


22. Vader - Impressions in Blood (2006)
Vader was one of the first death metal bands ever, and the fact that over twenty years later they're still releasing classic shit like Welcome to the Morbid Reich and Tibi et Igni in the current decade is just completely astounding.  And sure enough, they were ripping just as hard in the aughties, with Impressions in Blood being an obvious standout.  This was really the first album of theirs to switch up their formula in any substantial way, as they were previously taking the Cannibal Corpse approach of refining their initial signature sound with each album and never making any sort of drastic change simply because they never needed to.  Well around 2006, they finally replaced their jackhammer (which is a way better metaphor than a sledgehammer, come on 18 year old BH that was an easy one) with a meathook, with a newfound focus on catchy hooks and pummeling chugs instead of just the straightforward furious blasting death they'd specialized in up to this point.  That's not to say that the endless blastbeats aren't still here, almost every song is still based around the double bass and tremolo riffs that they always were, it's just that it's a little deeper, a little more brutal, and a little groovier this time around.  This works so well for them because, as it turns out, Vader fucking rules at that style too.  The thrashing intensity of death metal blended with the grooving slams and chugs of... well, still death metal, makes for something that they managed to completely own.  Even the tribal beats and percussive breaks like the end of "Field of Heads" totally rule, not to mention the occasional symphonic overtones in "Predator" and "Shadowfear".  Impressions in Blood also has "Helleluyah!!!" (I will never stop finding their habit of putting three exclamation points at the end of song titles adorable!!!), which is a live staple and fan favorite for a damn reason.  "The Book" also stands out for being one of the best groovy death metal songs ever written.  Basically I want to have sex with this album.  Vader was possibly the first death metal band I ever fell in love with, and Impressions in Blood is as good of an example as any to illustrate precisely why that is.


21. Persuader - When Eden Burns (2006)
I'm gonna spoil something and say that there are no Blind Guardian albums on this list.  Honestly, even if they'd released more than two albums during this decade, it wouldn't really have mattered since most of the magic that made everything before this time so wonderful was gone.  That's where Persuader comes in, as they pick up where the German legends left off, and added a hefty set of balls and punishing riffage to the brilliantly catchy songs and soaring melodies.  When Eden Burns is Persuader's most overtly melodic album, and while I had initially taken this to mean that they were going to soften up in the future, I've come to appreciate it for the technical showcase that it really is.  Jens Carlsson is truly one of the greatest vocalists in power metal, as his insane ability to rip out fiery power couples so well with his ear for melody.  That ear for melody is especially important for a genre that hinges so much of its listenability on great choruses, and this album pretty handily shines for having the best choruses the band would ever pen.  "Slaves of Labour", "Sending You Back", "The Return", "Doomsday News", there are just so many classic moments across so many classic tracks that I just can't heap enough praise onto it.  While the previous album (the also stellar Evolution Purgatory) was based on crazy heavy riffage in addition to the melodic prowess of Blind Guardian, it never quite reached the level of nearly infuriating infectousness that When Eden Burns carries.  I mean seriously, listen to the outro of "Judas Immortal" and tell me that that isn't essentially power metal perfection.  I praised Gamma Ray up there for being a little bit darker than most of their contemporaries, but Persuader dives into that mindset headfirst, with the aforementioned "Judas Immortal" being a downright visceral song filled with gory imagery.  Not gonna hear a line like "The reek of your desecrated corpse" on any given Rhapsody album, that's for sure.  In fact, I'm just gonna go ahead and say that "Judas Immortal" is the greatest power metal song of the decade.  It's a bummer that it took them a whopping eight years to follow up this album, but that means that for nearly a decade this was looked at as the band's swansong, and you know what?  I'd've been okay with the world if The Fiction Maze never saw the light of day, because When Eden Burns is a stunning monument to what power metal truly can be.


Three down, two to go!  Come on back in a few days to see what unfolds when we begin the Top 20.  Don't forget to "like" and "subscribe" or whatever the fuck people always beg after Youtube videos, I don't know, just come back if you'd like, I'm always cool with company.  See ya soon!

Monday, August 3, 2015

TOP 50 ALBUMS OF THE 00s: Part II

Welcome back my friends, to the show that never ends.  I'm just gonna jump right back into this, with the small disclaimer that this is likely going to be the section that reveals just how awful of a human being I truly am.  But who gives a shit, I love me more than I love you.  Y'all ready for part deux?

CONTINUING ON:
 

40. Arghoslent - Incorrigible Bigotry (2002)
This is a hard album to like, in a way.  I've given this a full review in the past and I stand by basically everything I said in it.  Yeah, the band is really unabashedly racist, so much so to the point that basically their entire image is based around how slavery wasn't such a bad idea because black people are inferior subhumans anyway and their sacrifice was needed for empires to flourish.  Yeah, obviously the themes are despicable (almost cartoonishly so, it's not hard to argue that really it's all just for shock value), but my god these riffs.  If you can manage to get past the lyrical themes, or just not care about them in the first place if you're the type, you'll find yourself sucked in by the best Mercyful Fate riffs that Mercy never got around to writing.  You'd figure an album like this would be based in mindless brutality, but it's not.  There's an astounding amount of class shown in the songwriting process.  When the riffs aren't forceful and pummeling, they're jaunty and jangly, and when they're not jovial and melodic, they're epic and reflective.  The vocals even manage to be savage despite the decidedly traditional feel of the riffs, and it creates a neat effect of the beautiful and the vicious.  It's a stunning blend of old and new school, with classic ideas put through a modern filter and vice versa.  All seven tracks are nebulous and varied enough to keep the runtime interesting.  I'm sure you're noticing a pattern with all of the albums I've chosen so far, and this is no exception: I fucking love it when a band can have a ton of ideas that are all cohesive and unified enough to keep the album grounded in reality instead of being a slapdash scrapbook of influences.  Incorrigible Bigotry is exactly that.


39. Hour of Penance - The Vile Conception (2008)
One of my warmest memories of adolescence was when a buddy of mine had bought this album.  He, another friend, and I, used to all drive around aimlessly and listen to whatever new albums we had bought, because being a kid with shit for responsibilities is awesome.  48 seconds into the first track, my buddy from the back seat lurched forwards and screamed "Dude did you hear how fucking brutal that part was?".  We laughed at him for such a stupidly obvious statement, but then we rewound it, and he was right, it was indeed, fucking brutal.  That's The Vile Conception in a nutshell, it's 37 minutes of "Dude did you hear how fucking brutal that part was?".  Mindless brutality gets old, and I understand that, and I understand that this album isn't necessarily brimming with new ideas that turn tech death on its head, but it doesn't need to be that.  Hour of Penance is a band that consistently scratches that same itch for me, and that's the itch for tech death that's speedy without being wanky and brutal without being slammy.  This is an exercise in how to write tech death riffs, as they are this album's bread and butter beyond the simply insane percussion.  It's almost inhuman how mechanically precise every instrumentalist is in the band.  Perhaps the appeal of this album has faded with time, since the style has since become as ubiquitous as Par Olofsson's album covers have, and it's easy to become jaded by the tenth Rings of Saturn to blast and widdly wee onto the scene with light speed nonsense.  But in the first half of that groundswell that happened around this time, Italy managed to set itself apart with a band like Hour of Penance based entirely on strong songwriting.  It doesn't matter if they're the fastest or the heaviest, it only matters that they're the best.  It's just crazy luck that they happen to be all three.  I mean dude... did you hear how fucking brutal that part was?


38. Wormphlegm - Tomb of the Ancient King (2006)
Hey, know how the last few albums were fast and exciting?  Well it turns out I also like the exact opposite thing when it's taken to its logical extreme.  Enter the unforgotten treasure of Finland, and one of the finest funeral doom bands ever to grace this plane of existence, Wormphlegm.  The fact that they share a few members with Tyranny, another one of my easy favorites in the subgenre, isn't a surprise when you enter this tomb.  Where Tyranny's Tides of Awakening is all about drowning you in waves of fathomless misery, Tomb of the Ancient King does the same thing, but with an added layer of filth.  Everything about this album is vile and disgusting, the riffs churn at a pace so slow that they make your blood coagulate, the vocals are so bone chilling that you're likely to fracture your wrist just from reaching out towards the speaker, and it's all so god damned heavy that it's hard to hear the album over the sinewy sound of your own bones shattering.  This is insane in the best possible way, you can easily feel your sanity slipping away with each passing minute, and it's due entirely to how unremitting and deadly the album feels.  I don't know if "menacingly lethargic" makes sense, but that's how this album feels.  It's the sonic representation of a malevolent force that clearly wants you dead, but can't be fucked to actually chase you down, so it just drops a trap on you... but angrily.  There's both weight and force here, a stone slab isn't just falling on you, it's being sleepily hurled down at you by a fierce demon who's just trying to get some damn sleep, you fucking noisy kids.


37. Altar of Plagues - White Tomb (2009)
By this time in history, post black metal was pretty solidly a thing thanks to Wolves in the Throne Room, so it was only a matter of time before another band rose up to perfect what they started.  Enter Altar of Plagues in 2009, with the monumentally dreary White Tomb.  I can use words like "dreadful" and "dreary" all day while describing this album, but you need to understand that they are positives in this scenario.  That's what the album aims for, and it nails it.  This isn't supposed to be beautiful or evoke some sort of imagery of nature's cruelty, it's about our cruelty to our planet.  Bleak, desolate landscapes are painted as visions of a self inflicted apocalypse, illuminating with a dying sun just how badly we bled our mother dry.  There's nothing left and it's all our fault, the trees are dead and dried out, and it's because our obsession with living in the moment managed to pull the rug out from under the future.  All that, all of these themes of oblivion at the hands of man, are translated to the listener via barren soundscapes of haunting acoustics and blisteringly vengeful black metal.  This is meant to be nasty and depressing, and it's exactly that.  Some bands can embody a vile, slimy mess with their sickening crunch, but Altar of Plagues aims for a much more parched and desolate vision.  They sound thirsty, but I mean that not in the sense that they are driven and are trying to prove themselves, I mean they're dragging themselves along a cracked, dried up riverbed, clothes tattered and tongue cracked and dry, gasping their dying breaths as their eyes finally bake under a cruel and unforgiving sun, punishing we who inherited the planet and promptly squandered it into a shriveled husk of nothingness.  It's beautiful in a very black, macabre way, and it deserves all the praise it gets.  My god did the band get shitty later though.


36. Dragonforce - Sonic Firestorm (2004)
Alright, enough of the slow, depressing bullshit, it's time to plaster a drunken smile on our faces and just rock the fuck out.  Dragonforce had a massive amount of hype backlash around the time Inhuman Rampage came out and "Through the Fire and the Flames" became a favorite of pimply Guitar Hero virgins and promptly turned the band into a walking punchline with their shallow, vapid, passionless fluff that they called music.  What most people tend to forget though, is that their first two albums were pretty damn close to universally acclaimed when they were new, despite being almost indistinguishably different from the album that launched them into the pantheon of mainstream nerdiness, and Sonic Firestorm still holds up today as an example of how completely unrestrained and frenetic music can be hooky and enjoyable all the same.  Dragonforce was never the deepest band out there, they were all about surface flash as opposed to slow building subtlety, and really, that's just a bunch of dudes playing to their strengths.  Let's be real here, these choruses are incredible, these solos are a shitload of fun, the songs themselves are arranged in a way that keeps them engaging despite their long runtimes.  Almost everything about this is entertaining, and that's what Dragonforce always aspired to be: entertainers.  These aren't the bards telling tales of history, nor are they imaginitive authors musing as to what the future could be.  No, they're circus barkers, dressed like the Dumbo mouse, outside a colorful tent, cracking a whip and shrieking "COME ONE! COME ALL! WITNESS THE WONDERS OF THE WORLD AS THEY AMAZE YOU WITH TRICKS AND ODDITIES ALIKE! THEY CAME FROM SO FAR AWWAAAAAAYYYY".  This is what happens when you take standard power metal and run it through an 80s Hanna Barbera action cartoon like He-Man or Thundercats and allow a bunch of drunken math nerds to interpret the resulting confetti explosion.  I don't want to sit here and make a half assed excuse like "this is perfect for what it is", because what "it is", is brilliant on its own.  Sometimes all you want is a fistful of candy, and I'm a fat, hopeless fuck with bacne and a fingernail sized dick, so of course I think Dragonforce is amazingly fun to listen to.  It's easy to forget how much fun metal can be, and I'm glad bands like Dragonforce could have so much fun that they'd personally offend a sizable chunk of metal's fanbase.


35. Exhumed - Slaughtercult (2000)
Goregrind is a tough genre to break out in, and that's precisely why Exhumed became fifty times better when they amped up the death metal to become one of the premier deathgrind outfits in the country with their turn of the century nuclear bomb of gore, Slaughtercult.  As much as I love subtlety and mature variation, Exhumed's best album happened when they just decided to go for full on dripping bloody recklessness for the full runtime.  Gore Metal is hailed as a classic in its own right, and I won't fault fans who prefer it, but I find Slaughtercult to be the prefect amalgamation of the unrestrained chaos of goregrind and the frantic riff onslaught of death metal.  This will likely be the shortest entry on this list because, despite me being fully aware that this is following fucking Dragonforce of all bands on this list, it's the most one dimensional.  The blueprint of deathgrind had been laid out fairly well by this point, and Exhumed stuck to that template and made the most of it, and in the end wound up producing an undisputed classic of the genre.  This is the deathgrind equivalent of Darkness Descends, in that respect.  If there's anything you really and truly need to know about this album, it's that "Decrepit Crescendo" is about how methane gas builds up inside you after you die and your body will eventually release it hours after your death.  Or, to quote Matt Harvey's pre-song banter on stage, "Even after you die, you keep farting".  If that doesn't sell you, then you're a joyless bore.


34. As I Lay Dying - An Ocean Between Us (2007)
And once again I just lost a bunch of readers.  Yeah, I jumped from a universally acclaimed band to a universally derided one, but I've always thought As I Lay Dying hit an absolutely flukey home run with An Ocean Between Us.  Like so many other bands at the time, this played metalcore strictly within the confines of itself, with basically no outside creativity.  And you know what?  That's fine with me on this one.  Partly because AILD are one of the originators of this specific sound, and partly because the songs are just shockingly well written, this album stands out as the clear victor in the race between bands like this, Killswitch Engage, and All That Remains for supremacy in the scene.  Tim Lambesis may be a roided up numbskull with misplaced priorities and a Patrick Bateman-esque delusion of personality, but his one note screams always stood out to me as the best in the throng of bands in the 2000s doing this, and even the notoriously whiny clean vocals aren't so bad this time around, I don't want to shove the backup vocalist in a locker quite as strongly this time around.  I realize "not that bad" isn't reason enough for me to rank an album above stalwart heavyweights like Symphony X or Nile, and that's why I point out that these songs just fucking rule from start to finish.  There are moments of windmill inducing thrash (like "Within Destruction" and "Comfort Betrays") and just straight pummeling melodeath (like "Forsaken" and "Bury Us All"), with melodic leads and hooks all over the place.  The ear for melody is top notch and the overall quality of the album stays high enough to shatter the mold of samey metalcore.  This may not be a ringing endorsement for most fans of old school/underground/extreme metal, but An Ocean Between Us stands proudly as the absolute best the genre of metalcore has to offer.  If this album doesn't jive with you, then you won't find any hidden gems.  This is as good as it gets, and it's fucking great.


33. Gargoyle - Kemonomichi (2003)
It's no secret that I'm one of the most vocal Gargoyle fanboys in the English speaking world, which is one of the few things in my life I'm not secretly ashamed of.  Kemonomichi is the Japanese thrashers' tenth full length album out of a current sixteen, and it's amazingly only like the sixth best one.  Gargoyle has a few fairly distinct periods in their tenure, and this one, to me, marks the definitive beginning of the final phase, which fans have dubbed Moderngoyle.  On the album prior, Kentaro took over all of the guitar duties and they've been running with one guitarist ever since, but that hasn't stopped the flashy melodies that intertwine with the sublimely creative riffs from being any less prominent.  There really aren't any bands that sound like Gargoyle, and even though Moderngoyle is the most "normal" sounding of all their eras (being the most straightforward and heaviest), their oeuvre for this era still stands as some of the most unique metal ever written.  Kiba's insane, gravelly warble is iconic for its weirdness just as much as its brilliant ability to be both painfully coarse and wonderfully melodic, and his frantic roars and shrieks are in full force here just as much as ever.  Kemonomichi touches on thrash of both the melodic and frenzied school, touches of power and speed metal, fun and catchy punk rock, and even upbeat electronic elements on songs like "Hakkyou Gamer" and danceable surf rock/Sonic the Hedgehog music with "Zero.Wa.Meru", and all of it is fucking awesome.  This is the start of the heavier downtuning and the simpler songs, and it's basically the best of the style apart from Kisho and Geshiki, which would rank easily on this list of they weren't released in 2011 and 2014.


32. Deathchain - Deathrash Assault (2005)
This album has a song called fucking "Napalm Satan", of course it rules.  I can't possibly heap enough praise onto this weighty slab of brazen cheese, and it's an absolute shame that the band got so darn boring once Rotten left after this album.  Because on Deathrash Assault and its predecessor, Deadmeat Disciples, Deathchain stood out as one of the most intense, relentless, and fun to listen to bands in all of death/thrash.  The biggest thing that the band does that most other bands in the style don't do is write catchy songs.  Most bands that focus on obliterating the listener in a maelstrom of satanic hellfire don't bother to write hooky and infectious riffs, let alone vocal lines.  Seven of the nine songs on display are instant ohrwurms that still surprise me with their inherent ability to make me pump my fist, coupled with their insane singalongability, which is totally a word now.  From the Exodus vibe of the chorus of "Graveyard Witchery", to the pure unbridled fury of "Venom Preacher", to the thundering crunch that alternates with the gleeful stomp of "Panzer Holocaust", to the just-dammit-everything-is-perfect "Napalm Satan", there isn't a single moment of Deathrash Assault that falls flat.  Unlike some of the earlier albums on this list, this really doesn't carry a multitude of different ideas, as most songs follow a similar sound and theme, but it's done so fucking well that it never comes close to mattering.  Deathchain is what Goatwhore would be if they could manage to write songs as good as "Apocalyptic Havoc" all the time.  Blastbeats and Kreator riffs abound, and there's nothing wrong with the approach here, and these Finnish speed freaks knock it out of the park with this one.  RELEASE! WAYNUM PREECHA!


31. Immolation - Close to a World Below (2000)
This is widely considered to be Immolation's best album, and it's for damn good reason.  Immolation is known for being one of the most suffocatingly heavy bands since the dawn of death metal itself, and it wouldn't be until a band like Portal would come along and popularize the method of emphasizing atmosphere in death metal that anything would even come close to capturing the otherworldly spirit of Close to a World Below.  And even then, this atmosphere is one of pure, blasphemous malice, and it's achieved via uncompromising brutality.  I know I've been saying this a lot, but this is seriously one of the most brutal albums of all time in terms of unrelenting force.  Immolation revels in a feral madness, with dissonant, twisting riffs and a drum performance that sounds like Alex Hernandez is trying to play his entire drumkit at once.  It's an absolute shame that he hasn't performed on any albums since 2004, because he's truly one of the most overlooked and underrated drummers in death metal.  A guy like Samus Paulicelli or Mauro Mercurio can play at lip flapping insane speeds with mind boggling precision, but the sound of a Shokan on meth trying to kill a swarm of spiders with his drumsticks like this one is just so much more heartfelt and face melting to me.  Even beyond that standout percussion, the riffs are some of the best in the style, remaining dark, twisty, and incomprehensible while being well done and skull crushing.  Ross Dolan also belts out one of the greatest vocal performances of his career, which is impressive considering the lofty heights he reached on Dawn of Possession prior to this and Unholy Cult afterwards.  He doesn't even sound human, it's like there's a demon inside of him who is just fucking furious about something, trying to escape.  This isn't the sound of a guy screaming, it's the sound of Lucifer going Super Saiyan.  So the drums sound like an avalanche, the guitars sound like the apocalypse, and the vocals sound like a supernova, so even if these songs weren't a sublime blend of chaotic fury and deathly hatred (which they are), it'd stand out for the spirit of the band members alone.  But as it stands, the songs are focused and intense along with being unrestrained, like a beast thrashing against its chains.  The mere utterance of the album title unconsecrates the nearest church, so don't worry about erecting Baphomet statues in Detroit and Oklahoma City, just blast this album on the bus for a more effective method of desecration.


And thus wraps up round two!  And no, I'm not sorry for liking Dragonforce and As I Lay Dying more than Celtic Frost and Altar of Plagues.  Tune in again in a day or two for the much less shitty Part III!

Saturday, August 1, 2015

TOP 50 ALBUMS OF THE 00s: Part I

Well guys, it's no secret that I have a bizarre obsession with top whatever lists.  I do my own every year and I've been flirting with the idea of doing something like this for some time.  Well now I've finally just gone and done the research and the math and the HOURS of stupid bullshit thinking and internal debating before finally deciding on enough worthy albums and a proper order.  I picked out well over 150+ albums to rank.  I think finally, finally finally finally I have enough confidence to decide the eventual winner and most importantly overall accurate order for this range.  I chose this era for a few reasons.  One is because, well, I started this blog with a "Best of 2010" list four years ago, so none of these have been touched by me in a similar "Best of" way, so it's all new for both you and myself.  Second is because, let's face it, most of my readers are fairly close to my age or below it.  This means that during this decade, most of you either went through the most substantial period in your musical development and have a strong sense of nostalgia for the time, or you started getting into metal juuuust after the decade turned, and as such didn't get to see how important so many of these albums were in their time.  I was in high school for a majority of these, and even if they weren't my cup of tea at the time (I was strictly a traditional, power, and thrash metal guy until roughly 2007/2008), they've since made themselves visible and I've learned to love them all.  This was fun to run through and reminisce, see how well everything has held up over time, and just talk a walk down memory lane, back to the time when my hair was long and my hands had yet to feel boob skin.  So walk with me, take my hand and join me down the twisting forest path of our adolescence and see what has held up as....

THE BEST METAL ALBUMS OF 2000-2009

And yes, it doesn't go to 2010 because by that logic, 1980 was part of the 70s.  I'll never understand people who think the decade doesn't end on the 9 year.  Friggin' weirdos.  Only rules are metal exclusive to keep it cohesive (and also because people reading this site don't give a shit about how much I love Protest the Hero), and full lengths only.  Damn shame because there are some incredible EPs from this era, like Fleshgod Apocalypse's Mafia and Diamond Plate's Relativity, but it's an arbitrary restriction I do with every list so you'll have to forgive me.  Anyway LETS GO!


50. Celtic Frost - Monotheist (2006)
Celtic Frost has a well documented history of weirdness.  And I'm not just talking about "Hip Hop Jugend" which I absolutely refuse to let anybody forget exists, I mean they started their career with so much good will that it seemed almost impossible to fuck up, with Morbid Tales and To Mega Therion being bona fide, indisputable classics of whatever proto extreme metal you want to label them.  And then in came contentious, confusing, polarizing albums like Into the Pandemonium and Vanity/Nemesis, along with the absolutely deservedly maligned glam rock curveturd that is Cold Lake.  After all that controversy and frankly fucking bizarre career choices, the band just decided to cut their losses and disappear.  And that, mein friends, is what makes Monotheist such a heralded triumph.  In the early 2000s, Tom G. Warrior and company charged back out of nowhere to announce the reformation of Celtic Frost, under their own label and everything so as to have complete control over their music.  With a new trademark beanie and ten pounds of guyliner, he delivered on his promise of making up for Cold Lake.  After unleashing this absolute fucking behemoth of an album, it was as if it was 1985 again and the band could do no wrong.  This is absolutely monolithic, a pummeling, crushing, glacial paced ode to despair and misery.  Monotheist is genuinely one of the heaviest albums ever recorded in terms of the sheer force it exudes.  I like my music to be fast and melodic most of the time, and this is exactly the opposite.  The pace never picks up above a menacing, Ent sized stomp, writhing underneath a smothering atmosphere of dread, oppression, and just unrelenting hatred and nihilism.  This is bleak, this is brutal, this is depressing, this is the brooding, edgy anti-hero that everybody thought was fucking cool in the 00s, except it showcased the rampant negativity in the darkest light possible.  I'd want to say that it's sad in that this wound up being Celtic Frost's swansong, as they disbanded shortly after the release of the album, but in all honesty it doesn't matter because Warrior formed Triptykon almost immediately afterwards, and it just continues and expands upon the ideas that Monotheist presented.


49. Hammers of Misfortune - The Locust Years (2006)
Now, this is admittedly sort of a weird choice for me, because in terms of individual tracks, there are really only two I'll ever find myself listening to when I just want a snack instead of the entire eight course meal the album offers (those tracks being "The Locust Years" and "Trot Out Your Dead").  But if I'm being honest with myself, The Locust Years is greater than the sum of its parts by an almost cartoonishly large margin.  While the two aforementioned songs are certainly the best on display, the album runs through so many different ideas and moods without ever breaking from the thematic elements that create the backdrop for the twisting, simultaneously cacophonous and mellifluous music.  It's so hard to describe what this album even is, given the personnel behind it are so usually rooted in fantasy styled settings, it's strange that the lyrical themes seem to be about oppression and impending apocalypse, but put through the filter of modern politics.  This is one of the more truly progressive albums I've ever heard simply because everything flows together so incomprehensibly well, with soothing piano melodies giving way to driving trad metal riffs which stealthily fade into haunting coos from the female vocalist which slowly morphs into a martial war march.  Everything shifts and transitions so naturally that all eight songs are dangerously close to sounding like one huge song.  It really feels like you're part of something larger than yourself when listening to this album.  It encompasses something so much more grand and magniloquent than the ideas it presents, and it's easy to be swept off your feet.  The lyrics are expertly written and delivered by Jamie Myers and the inimitable Mike Scalzi, who himself was currently in the middle of his freakishly impressive run of albums with his main band, Slough Feg.  Everything about this album hits bullseye, even when you're not paying attention.  Hell even when the band isn't paying attention, they roll through so many shifts and twists that I just don't even know how to describe a damn thing that happens.  Between the acoustic murder ballads, neoclassical explosions, Deep Purple rock, avant garde whatthefuckishappeningohchrist moments, this is, if nothing else, sure not to ever get dull.


48. Vomitory - Revelation Nausea (2001)
In all honesty, I could really sum up the entire appeal of Vomitory by simply quoting what my colleague/peer/friend/fellow reviewer, lord_ghengis had said when news of their disbanding in 2014 reached him.  "They were a band that understood that music needed more explosions".  And god dammit almost no other band packed as many fucking explosions into their music as Vomitory.  Most people tend to peg the 2002 followup, Blood Rapture, as the band's high point, but for my money, the answer has always been Revelation Nausea.  The first two albums I featured on this list are very larger-than-life.  They're massive experiences meant to be taken in with full emotional investment for maximum enjoyment.  Vomitory does not do that.  Fuck no, Vomitory was crotch grinding, blisteringly fast and punishing Swedeath of the highest order, and this 2001 ripper reached heights that only predecessors like Entombed ever fully managed to reach.  Yeah I'll be the first to admit that this band hits one note throughout the runtime of the album (with that note being bug fuck insane tremolo abuse and more double bass than a Wagner opera), but they're so good at that one note that I'd never, ever, ever hold it against them.  As much as I love the previous two albums here, Revelation Nausea is a testament to how metal can truly work as a measure of strength.  This just brute forces its way past all of its peers, elbowing its way through a crowded scene full of creative individuals before giving all of them wedgies and stealing their lunch money.  This is powerful, punishing, and about as brutal a form a death metal you can find before you just turn into the muggy swamps of actual BDM.  I'm not gonna pretend this is some creative masterpiece, this is just death metal turned up to 11, and it's perfect for that.  Because always remember, music needs more explosions.


47. Nile - Annihilation of the Wicked (2005)
Everything I just said about Vomitory works equally well with Nile when they're at their most brutal.  Indisputably, their fourth full length, Annihilation of the Wicked, is by far their most brutal.  After Karl Sanders got a lot of the mystical, soothing ethnic music out of his system with his solo album the year prior, Nile got a lot less creative.  Seriously, Amongst the Catacombs of Nephren-Ka and In Their Darkened Shrines are easily more creative albums that this one, with so much more thought put into blending the Egyptian scales and melodies in with brutally technical death metal, whereas from this point forward they were basically just like "yeah we're just gonna rip your face off from here on out".  And you know what?  I love it.  I don't care that this is a much more "normal" album by the standards Nile had set for themselves with the previous three albums, because they are absolutely at their best when they are just powering forwards with reckless abandon.  In all seriousness, I consider this the defining Nile album for several reasons.  For one, it really solidified their beautifully crushing guitar tone, with a steely tinge and density yet unmatched by anybody.  It was also the album that introduced most of the world to George Kollias, who still stands in my mind as one of the greatest drummers in modern death metal, hell in metal history period.  There is so much intensity on display that it's overwhelming and can actually make finishing the album difficult, but I mean this in the best way.  I've given people crap before, for knocking this album for just being mindless brutality instead of some of the slower, more epic grooves and hooks that permeate the albums surrounding this one, because yeah, while most people remember "Sacrifice Unto Sebek", "Cast Down the Heretic", and "Burning Pits of the Duat", which are precisely the mindless brutality that smart people claim to grow tired of, this album also features a bunch of their longest songs, with two clocking in at over 9 minutes, and a third one being only a few seconds short.  And even then, those songs mix the crushing grooves so well with the blistering brutality that saturates the rest of the record, so this critic isn't complaining about a minute of it.  This is widely cited as Nile's finest hour, and you'll never see me arguing against that.


46. The Black Dahlia Murder - Nocturnal (2007)
Now, this is where I'm going to start losing people, because TBDM has been a punching bag within the metal community for almost fifteen years now.  But honestly, it's one of the most unfounded phenomena in all of metal history.  There is nothing metalcore about this band other than their logo and the vocalist's thick glasses.  This is straight up At the Gates worship from minute zero, and it never stops impressing me.  Yeah yeah, astute readers may remember that I've actually given this album a full review, and gave it a score that, while positive, wouldn't translate to a top 50 of the decade with most.  In all honesty, maybe it's Stockholm Syndrome, but every listen to this album just reveals more I like about it, and my complaints seem less and less legit as I go along.  Strnad's voice isn't that bad, his lows are definitely better than his highs and the ratio isn't quite what you'd hope considering that fact, but it's an inseparable component that makes up the greater whole of this album.  If At the Gates had kept going after Slaughter of the Soul, they could have wound up with something along the lines of Nocturnal, and I know that SotS is a favorite of hardened metal vets when it comes on things to pick on, but in theory, melodic death metal is an amazing idea, and I feel like TBDM really nailed how to present it on this album.  The band themselves would grow to get better in different areas and write songs that are individually better than anything here, but when considering the total package, Nocturnal reigns as the champion.  "Orgasmic Mutilation" is legitimately one of my all time favorite death metal songs, and that's not a joke.


45. Symphony X - Paradise Lost (2007)
After three death metal representatives in a row, it's time for the Jersey Boys to thunder through and remind everybody that I have a softer side as well.  People unfamiliar with the band/album will probably look at this and scoff before immediately disregarding it as some faggy, riffless "gothic" "metal" like Within Temptation or Evanescence.  Those people are fools, because at this point in time, this was doubtlessly the heaviest and riffiest album that the prog metal stalwarts, Symphony X, had released.  A lot of fans of their older sound have given this album the shaft for dumbing down their music, focusing more on groovy, heavy, chunky riffs and flashy leads and vocal acrobatics instead of the subtlety and class they had shown in spades on previous albums in the 90s.  See, I like subtlety plenty, I really do, but I also like simplicity, focus, and drive.  This album is driven and focused like no other, and there are riffs abound to keep things interesting, no matter what directions the songs might wander off into.  Russell Allen is one of the greatest singers in heavy metal history, with a gruff, masculine voice that keeps a high register with a powerful timbre, and it's showcased amazingly on Paradise Lost.  From the blisteringly fast bass run to start off "Domination", to the sorrowful, heartfelt ballad of "Paradise Lost", to the high octane power metal of "Eve of Seduction", to the epic "Walls of Babylon", nearly every idea presented here hits bullseye.  At the time, this claimed the title of Album of the Year for 2007, and the fact that several albums from that year have since cropped up and stolen the title with aplomb does nothing to take away from the feat of songwriting and emotion that is Paradise Lost.  Don't be fooled by the angel and the rose on the cover, that's actually a valkyrie with a bloodstained stielhandgranate.


44. Cannibal Corpse - Kill (2006)
Cannibal might be known for their upfront and grotesque imagery more than their actual music at times, especially to the non-metal listening person, so the brutal simplicity that adorns this album's cover was actually a pretty jarring change.  But while this may be the Buffalo/Floridian stalwarts most plain and boring cover to date, it also stands as one of their most intense, tight, and well written albums.  Kill is important for several reasons, one is that this solidified the lineup of Corpsegrinder, Barret, O'Brien, Webster, and Mazurkiewicz that continues to this day, and it's just simply one of their best albums.  The band's trademark blend of technicality (that never veers into tech death), brutality (that never veers into BDM), and groove (that never veers into whatever godawful thing Six Feet Under plays) is in top form here, as nearly every song should be a live staple in my mind.  And even though amazing tracks like "Purification by Fire" and "Maniacal" haven't quite reached that status, damn near half of the album has managed to do exactly that.  Rarely will a live show go by where you aren't bludgeoned into the ground by "Death Walking Terror" or torn to shreds by "Make Them Suffer".  This is one of the many albums I'll readily point to when Cannibal endures the ever prevalent criticism of simply making the same album over and over again, because there are very few songs in their oeuvre as menacingly grim as "Infinite Misery" or as well put together in terms of build and release structure as "The Discipline of Revenge".  Yeah, Cannibal knows what they're best at and they usually stick to it fairly closely, but they're good at a lot of things, and Kill showcases it with a murderous flair and tightness that improves with nearly every album.  A lot of card carrying fans will point to this as the best of the Corpsegrinder era next to Bloodthirst (which unfortunately missed the deadline for this list by a year, otherwise it'd definitely make an appearance), and I'm not arguing with that.  Kill is an incredible album from a band of veteran professionals, and it shows.  There can be class within the mayhem, and it doesn't just mean wearing a suit and doing weird things for the hell of it like Akercocke or Fleshgod Apocalypse.


43. 1349 - Hellfire (2005)
Black metal is known for the frigid north and how well the music usually conveys the imagery of frozen fjords of Scandinavia.  But sometimes, we'll get a band that aims more for fire than ice, and one of those bands is 1349.  I couldn't get enough of this album when I first heard it, which is sort of ironic considering I found a music video for "Sculptor of Flesh" semi-at-random to show a buddy how cruddy black metal tries to sound on purpose (he was a power metal fan and I was trying to be both edgy and holier than thou).  Upon listening to the song, I was blown away not only by the perfect blend of clarity and rawness on the record that my still fairly noobish taste didn't think was possible for the genre, but also by just how god damned brilliant the riff writing was and how unrelentingly intense it was.  A decade later, I'm still just as awestruck with the divinity of the riffs and sheer balls to the wall insanity of the pace.  Atmosphere isn't always built with flittery synths or quiet acoustic passages.  Sometimes that atmosphere is one of dread and hatred, and it's built and presented with unending passion and drive.  Hellfire is fucking driven.  It throws some of the genre's roots out of the window with the aforementioned lack of coldness, but it's so drenched in hatred and intensity that it more than makes up for any perceived slight against the Darkthrones of the world.  1349 doesn't present death with an elegant romanticism or beautiful morbidity, it's presented as an ugly, destructive force that tears apart literally everything you've ever known and rends it asunder into the bowels of your darkest nightmares.  There is no heaven, only hell, and it's a dry wasteland of agony and malevolence.  This is what hell sounds like, it's noisy, dissonant, uncomfortable, and punishing.  You don't wallow in an uncomfortable haze of misery, you get your shit whipped with knotted penises and buttfucked by pineapple dicked demons for the rest of eternity.  Enjoy your stay!


42. Municipal Waste - Hazardous Mutation (2005)
Municipal Waste is often blamed for starting the rethrash craze of the mid to late 2000s, and that isn't entirely untrue.  Tons of terrible bands from Merciless Death to Fueled By Fire owe a lot to Waste for kickstarting the trend and getting the exposure they got.  Despite what became of the scene (oversaturation of kids who put ten times more effort into their fashion than their riffs), Municipal Waste was the real fucking deal, and their watermark has been and frankly always will be their second full length, Hazardous Mutation.  Yeah there are lyrics about partying and mutants and all the other awful cliches that would eventually signal the early death of the resurgence, but nobody did this with more flair and focus than these guys.  They nailed the attitude and focus on insane riffage like it was still 1987, and not because they just wished super hard that they were Exodus.  When you put a lot of effort into your craft, you can make some truly wonderful music, and Hazardous Mutation is exactly that in the most poignant way that a one-note crossover band can muster.  There are cool curveballs like the punk catchiness of "Guilty of Being Tight" and sub-minute hookfests like "Abusement Park" and "Black Ice".  There are flat out and out rippers like "Unleash the Bastards" and "Deathripper", along with chunky hooks and grooves in songs like "The Thrashin' of the Christ" and "Mind Eraser".  The ill will this band and, by extension, the album has earned over the years is just a truckload of horseshit, as there's nothing to dislike here if you want to have fun for a half hour.  Metal isn't cool anymore when it's dead serious all the time, I like Primordial as much as the next guy, but with no levity in your listening cycle, you're likely to become jaded and lose sight of what makes metal as a whole such a diverse and colorful genre.  Bands like Municipal Waste are a shitload of fun, and fun is something we all like to have.  This isn't for everybody, but it should be.


41. Amon Amarth - With Oden on Our Side (2006)
Absolutely fucking nobody writes hooks like Amon Amarth does.  Really, almost no band can focus almost exclusively on midpaced chugs and grooves and manage to keep their songs on such a consistently impressive tightrope between catchy melody and pummeling brutality.  There's something to be said about being able to toe the line between accessible catchiness and thunderous, muscle-bound groove at nearly all times.  This is a personal favorite album of mine, and while this happened after they ditched their fast paced songs almost entirely (though "Asator" is definitely a fucking barnburner that deserves WAY more love than it gets).  There's a lot working against them in the grand scheme of things, like the viking aesthetic and collectible figurines and whatnot.  There's a prevailing belief that they're much less serious than they actually are, and an album as focused and hard hitting as WOOOS should be enough to dispel that notion.  Everything ranges from a visceral war march to a mournful dirge, and most especially the bittersweet triumph of their best song, "Cry of the Black Birds".  That song right there is what would happen if Insomnium would quit weeping for ten seconds and focus on writing something with real hooks.  Actually, between the prominent soaring melodies and grounded ballsack punching riffery, "Insomnium, but with riffs" isn't the worst way to describe Amon Amarth.  They both share a similar style of insanely deep and voluminous vocals that will never not impress me.  Like, Karl Sanders has a really deep rasp, but it's thin.  It works for Nile, but Johan Hegg is deep and beefy.  You can seriously hear this guy's beard, he is a monster truck that walks like a man.  Listen to "Under the Northern Star" and try to contain your orgasm.  He has a thick, powerful tone to his bellowing howls that almost nobody can match.  Between the stomping, powerful grooves, memorable melodies, and meatball truck of a vocalist, there's very little to disappoint any fan of melodeath.  It's a fairly maligned genre on the whole and it's not entirely without merit, as throngs of talentless hacks like Soilwork and Arch Enemy will forever stink up the name of such an awesome idea, but Amon Amarth fucking rules at it, and despite their mainstream popularity, they deserve more love from the underground.


And that's that for now kids!  The rest will come as the week goes on, check in for more tomorrow.  Any albums strike home for you?  Any of them just cement how stupid I am and you want to call me a gigantic homofag?  Let me know and I'll promptly fire you into the sun.  LOVE YOU!

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Mercyful Fate - Don't Break the Oath

Mercyful Fart

This... this is it?  Really?  THIS is the big genre defining classic that helped solidify 1984 as the seminal year for heavy metal?  I'm sorry guys, Don't Break the Oath is a god damned travesty, with literally not one single redeeming factor to warrant this legendary status it carries, and I'm actually blown away that it even attained this status in the first place, even when putting it in context of the year it was released.

First off, what the FUCK are y'all talking about calling this evil and atmospheric?  How could something this dorky and cheesy possibly be considered dark or evil?  I mean seriously, listen to those vocals.  Queen Diamond is quite literally the worst vocalist I've ever heard in all my years of metal fandom.  How can you invoke Satan when you sound like a four year old trying to sing the Van Halen songs you've heard your dad listening to?  Really, Lucifer would probably respond to his calls with flame-spitting laughter before squashing this little fairy under his hoof.  I mean really, the stupid "A-AH! A-AH! A-EE-A-OO-A-AH!" part in the middle of "The Oath" is so fucking silly.  Who takes this shit seriously?  How is that dark?  How can you hear a prepubescent castrato tunelessly wail his way through a bridge like that and think "Oh yeah, this is where true blasphemy happens!".  This is about as blasphemous as The Wiggles.  With happy, galloping drums and vibrant, melodic riffing, it's pretty much the exact opposite of "dark".  And even after all these listens, I don't know what "atmosphere" people are talking about.  Are y'all confusing "atmosphere" with "reverb"?  Because that's all this album is.  Weak, thin guitars drenched in reverb, farting out airy riffs that mean nothing.

The production in general is absolute ass, come to think of it.  This could be handwaved away as a product of the times, but let's face it, 80s metal production sucks.  The point of music is to HEAR it, not strain through fucked up mixes in hopes of differentiating the guitar from the white noise.  And don't tell me that the equipment wasn't as good as it is now, you can't fool me.  People still play guitars that were made in the 60s nowadays and they can sound beefy as hell.  Listen to Oceano or Whitechapel, for instance.  Those bands CRUSH, Mercyful Fate here just wisps along in the dead air, unable to stir anything thicker than hydrogen.  I hesitate to even call this metal, to be honest.  I mean yeah, there's riffs and they sing about Satan, but a band like Suicide Silence can touch on an actual topic like nihilistic pessimism and just pound skulls into dust while doing it.  Mercyful Fate flitters around gay melodies while crying about being buttraped by Leviathan.  The sound does the anti-riffs no favors.

Now let's not go thinking I'm a deathcore loving swoopy haired scene fag, I DO love real metal.  Bands like All That Remains can play melody and still be badass while Slipknot can take pure, unrelenting hatred and set it against a cacophony so genuine and heartfelt that the anger takes over the listener vicariously.  One time while listening to All Hope is Gone, I got so pissed that I punched my dog!  Mercyful Fate and Don't Break the Oath don't make me want to do any of that.  Hell if anything this album makes me want to shove myself in a locker.  Dorks who wear makeup and screech the highest notes they can like this deserve no less of a Fate (LOL!). 

Basically this album is fat and gay and nothing cool ever happens.  "Gypsy" has the most embarrassing vocal performance I've ever heard, and that's including Damien Storm and Keydragon.  People go on and on about these riffs but they're just so melodic and fruity that I can't take them seriously.  And really, not ONE heavy as fuck breakdown or chug to be found anywhere!  I'm not saying an album needs to be full of slams to be good, but it certainly helps!  This is the exact opposite of evil, and really doesn't even deserve the plastic it's pressed on.  Who buys vinyls anyway?  Dads and hipsters, that's who.  Mercyful Fate is for dads and hipsters.

And fags.

Fuck Mercyful Fate.


RATING - 0%

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Athena - Twilight of Days

Toys R Us Metal

I'm gonna give it to you straight, like a pear cider made with 100% pears, Twilight of Days is really a terrible album.  There is so much wrong here.  The riffs are completely unengaging, the vocals are weak and mousey, the keys sound like a Fisher Price toy, and the production as a whole is flat and plasticky.  So many issues of this nature swirl into this sugary goop in the middle of a standard power metal album that has wallowed in obscurity for the better part of 14 years for damn good reason.  In a just world, that would be all the review I bother to write.

RATING - 20% 

Unfortunately for all of you, this isn't a just world, and instead it is a world where my taste stands in defiance of all common decency.  And with that I declare, Twilight of Days absolutely fucking rules despite the myriad of problems it carries.  If anything, this album is one of the greatest testaments to substance over style and the importance of good songwriting in the history of power metal, and it's tragically overlooked by so many other bands who try to stand out via bloated twenty two minute snorefests and fifty layers of dueling banjos.  No, fuck that, Athena take a very traditional approach to power metal, and write songs so god damned tight and warm that they might as well be your mom.  

I'm often criticized for generally sticking to more popular bands when it comes to metal.  You'll catch me bumping Blind Guardian a dozen times before I spin a Perpetual Fire album, so it's really sort of odd that this random obscurity from Italy honestly ranks amongst my favorites in power metal.  Really, the songwriting is so infectious and well done that I can honestly put Twilight of Days in the same company as Gambling with the Devil, Somewhere Out in Space, Evolution Purgatory, and many others of that ilk.  Granted, none of those albums really sound all that much alike (I just find this to be of similar overall quality), and Athena keeps in line with that by not really adhering to the over the top bombast of Rhapsody, nor the down to earth riff onslaught of Persuader.  I've seen them tagged as "progressive power metal", which I personally don't buy.  Really all that seems to mean is that they have a penchant for very low, heavy chugging riffs akin to Morgana Lefay, not long, flowing song structures and complex melodies like early Symphony X.  So if you've been able to sift through all the names I dropped there, the point is that Athena play a rhythmic style of power metal with a huge emphasis on vocal hooks and melodies, with speed, bombast, and flashy soloing taking a very distant back seat. 

But BH! In the opening fake out you called the vocals weak and the riffs boring, how can you praise the album if it has those problems when you say that's what the songs are based off of?  Doesn't that mean the entire idea of the album is broken? 

Not quite, this is an example of sheer charisma and character overpowering very obvious technical flaws.  Power metal was never an especially riff-centric style of metal in the first place, so the fact that the songs need to rest on the power of the hooks doesn't bother me much, nor should it you.  Tracks like "Falling Ghosts", "Hymn", and "Touch My Heart" all showcase what I'm talking about.  They're some of the lighter songs on the album, and they take poppy hooks and slather them liberally over admittedly mundane riffage.  Songs like "Lord of Evil" and "Til the End" take a darker approach, but still the sugary smiles can't stay away forever.  A huge amount of the album is highlighted with elements that mask the band's flaws.  Who cares that the riffs are boring when the hooks are so good?  Who cares that the production is ass when the choruses are so catchy?  Twilight of Days is an album that knows what it's good at, and thus focuses on precisely those elements.

I also said the vocalist was mousey, and that's really the best word for him.  Really, he sounds like his head is the size of a grapefruit.  It's high pitched almost to a fault and really just sounds like it's an adorable guardian of Redwall instead of a leather clad manchild like all PM singers actually are.  But despite this, there's a lot of confidence in this tiny voice, and he manages to have an almost indescribably booming grit to his squinting alto.  It's a paradox I still can't adequately explain, but I love it.  He takes center stage over every instrument barring maybe the keys during one of their several solos, and he just owns every moment of the spotlight.  Listen to the out-chorus of "Falling Ghosts" and tell me that this little four foot tall dork with a bad mustache doesn't have his feet planted in a power stance and his fist clenched tightly and outstretched towards his bedroom wall when he nails that balls out falsetto wail at the end.  

The real draw is honestly just the tightness and focus of the songwriting, and that's unfortunately the hardest thing to really elucidate in review form.  "Making the History" is a phenomenal power metal track, rife with aggressive double bass and a soaring chorus guaranteed to get stuck in your head.  On the other hand, "The Way to Heaven's Gates" is a phenomenal power metal track, rife with aggressive double bass and a soaring chorus guaranteed to get stuck in your head.  And yet on another hand, "Twilight of Days" is a phenomenal power metal yeah yeah yeah you get the idea.  The base components of every song are the same, but it's such a well written formula here that the songs all vary just slightly enough to have their own identity.  You won't find any recycled melodies here, and every chorus is striking and distinct.  The only expansive difference between some songs is the tone they take, with some ("Til the End", "Your Fear", "Lord of Evil", et cetera) being darker and heavier, while others ("Hymn", "Touch My Heart", "Twilight of Days", et cetera) take a notably lighter and more optimistic approach.  I'm just gonna take some time at the end of this paragraph to make absolutely clear that "The Way to Heaven's Gates" is absolutely one of my all time favorite power metal tracks, and any fan of the genre at least owes it to themselves to seek out this album for that track alone.

Really the only bad thing I can say about the album that can't be covered up by its strengths being just that damn strong is that the ballad near the end, "End of my Life", is total ass.  But then again the only power metal band in history who could ever write a ballad worth a shit has been Blind Guardian, so no logical person was going to go into that song expecting it to be any good anyway, so even that is easily overlooked.  Twilight of Days is a strong effort from a band with very notable flaws that should really hinder the music to the point of worthlessness, but the intangibles at play are just so fucking inspiring and entertaining that I can't help but fall in love anyway.

Basically this album is Tim Tebow, but I don't hate it.


ACTUAL RATING - 92%