Vielikan - Emotional Void

Better than the bands they remind me of

Northern Africa isn't necessarily known for crushing Metal, but Vielikan certainly prove that such a thing exists. Hailing from Tunisia, Emotional Void is a decent 25 minute journey through darkness that's interesting while it lasts, but won't stick in your mind for months after the experience. While yes, the tag of "Progressive Death Metal" will invariably draw comparisons to the bewilderingly beloved Opeth, the influence keeps itself restrained enough to remain pure influence as opposed to straight up worship, which is definitely a good thing. The percussion generally keeps a very slow pace, and while double bass may kick up occasionally, Tarak Ghemguy's upper half keeps the flow at a snail's pace for most of the duration. The main issue with Emotional Void is that it just kind of… I don't know, just happens.

No segments grab you by the balls and command your attention, there is no real sense of overwhelming atmosphere, and nothing is really retainable. The riffs are reminiscent of Gojira in the sense that they just kind of grind and chug along like an old fashioned locomotive on an endlessly looping track. The train chugs and chugs along, polluting the air and going nowhere, and most of the riffs are no different. Again, this isn't necessarily a riff based style they're going for, but the lack of any overpowering atmosphere leaves me nothing to think about except the guitar work. Thankfully, the overall feeling from track to track changes enough to keep them distinguishable. "Zero Affection" takes a Doom/Death style route in the vein of Evoken somewhat, "Black Marsh" has a couple clean breaks that warrant the dreaded Opeth comparison, and "A Vertiginous Fall" sounds straight off of From Mars to Sirius, further hammering home the unfortunate Gojira similarity.

You could do a whole hell of a lot worse than Vielikan (I guess you could be listening to Gojira, so this is a better choice by virtue of the fact that it isn't them), but there are much better ways to spend your time. Fans of the bands I've mentioned throughout the review should check this out, but if you never really liked any of them, nothing here will change your mind or enlighten you to the style.

RATING - 60%


Originally written for www.metalcrypt.com 

Unburied - Slut Decapitator

One of my favorite album titles, at the very least

The only phrase I can use to describe this would be "lukewarm vehemence". There isn't anything really bad about this Virginian Death/Grind outfit, but there isn't a damn thing worth getting excited over either. It's something that is fantastically mediocre, extraordinarily middle of the road, and just very, very, inconsequential. None of the riffs stick with you, none of the songs command your attention, and no single instrument strikes you as spectacular or awful. Y'know? It's Death/Grind, and that's about it. The only thing I can think of that is even somewhat unique or memorable about the album is the fact that they don't really mix the two genres as much as they make them "coexist". What I mean by that is simply that the songs aren't a mixture of the two, but the album contains some Death Metal songs and some Grind songs. The grindy songs are still closer to metal than, say, Last Days of Humanity or some other ridiculous goregrind band, but most of the songs just sound like a really bland, slightly faster than average, Death Metal.

I have to give the band some credit for making the bass prominent in the mixing. Most bands really seem to neglect the low end, and the act of simply making it easily audible will immediately make bass players enjoy the album just a slight bit more. I'll say that the second half houses the more memorable and worthwhile tracks, and "Gore-Soaked Revenge" is probably the best purely because it is based off a good, memorable riff, but it's still a faceless blur overall. There isn't much point listening to something that you won't remember or want to hear again, so I'd say this album shouldn't be bothered with unless you're a huge fan of the genre and need absolutely every release in order to feel complete with your life or something.

RATING - 54%


Originally written for www.metalcrypt.com

PanzerBastard - 2006 - 2009

I AM A FALSE PROPHET, GOD IS A SUPERSTITION

June 6th, 2006, was a fateful day for Heavy Metal. For the first time since metal's birth, the dates have aligned to form a sort of tribute to the eternal muse down below… 06-06-06. On this day, Slayer promised to release their new album, Christ Illusion, but bureaucratic setbacks pushed the release back to August. Determined to make the once in a life time chance mean something, Slayer promised to kick off their highly anticipated Unholy Alliance Tour on that day, but Tom Araya's gallbladder surgery pushed that back a week as well. So the fateful day went by with very little happening in the world of metal since one of the biggest bands managed to not pull through with any of their promises. Essentially the only thing that happened was that this was the day when Boston's PanzerBastard took form, and while this isn't quite as momentous an occasion as anything Slayer could've done (as shitty as Christ Illusion was), PanzerBastard delivers some extremely fast and solid Thrash.

2006 – 2009 is a compilation of three earlier demos, Hell Gate, Bastards Die Hard, and Boston. Personally, I find the Bastards Die Hard material to be the best of the lot, disregarding the asinine intro and outro that both consist of essentially one riff repeated over and over again for a few minutes. "No God(s)", "PanzerBastard", and "Bastards Die Hard" are probably the best tracks on the whole compilation, it's just coincidence they all happen to be from the same demo. While some of the musicians have a background in hardcore and punk, not very much manages to seep through. This is Crossover of the thrashiest kind, and the hardcore vocals and blast beats never take away from the almighty riff (the latter actually improves most sections it appears in). Honestly, this reminds me of St. Louis retro-thrashers, Head on Collision; the main difference there being that I can listen to PanzerBastard for more than three songs at a time without getting bored. I'd say check this out. It's nothing revolutionary, but it's solid, thrashing, headbanging fun without some lame gimmick tacked on in order to make it entertaining like so many other new Thrash bands have done.

RATING - 83%


Originally written for www.metalcrypt.com

Nahar - La Fascination Du Pire

A competent snoozefest

To me, Nahar is proof that some people just aren't quite made for one-man bands. Sure, Sorghal from Nehemah contributes vocal duties to La Fascination Du Pire, but as far as I can tell all of the songwriting and instrumentation is done by Shaddar, and he frankly doesn't have the talents to pull off what he's going for. Excluding the ambient intro track, the track lengths average out to slightly less than seven minutes. That, coupled with the fact that a majority of the album is mid-paced, gives the idea that he's trying to go for an epic style of Black Metal. Unfortunately, there is no feeling of epicness to be found. No real emotion manages to emanate through the dirty BM production, even though it's obvious that this was his goal. So instead of any real power, we're left with a very plodding recording. There are definitely some shining moments here and there like the end of "Where Others Have Drowned" or the beginning of "The March of No Reason", but overall there just isn't much of interest. I think the main problem is that while Shaddar has many ideas, the lack of other songwriters means his ideas are never tweaked or refined to become better. "Desert of Redemption" starts off on a typical, yet promising, Black Metal riff with a slow "blast beat" behind it, but the issue is that it barely evolves. You'll hear maybe two or three different permeations of that same riff with the drums bapping away at the same tempo for damn near the entire first six and a half minutes. The only reason it doesn't last all eight is because the last two minutes are ambient filler. That's the general idea behind most of the songs, and they never really mutate into what they want to be. Shaddar needs a full band to help these ideas mature and flourish, until then he'll probably continue to churn out boring music with few glimmers of potential here and there.

RATING - 44%


Originally written for www.metalcrypt.com

Kiuas - The New Dark Age

On the bright side, at least they're easy to classify now

I'm a pretty large fan of Kiuas's first two albums. Both The Spirit of Ukko and Reformation did an extraordinary job of seamlessly blending Power Metal with outside influences like Melodeath, Thrash, and even some Black Metal. When I first heard their debut, I was somewhat blinded by something new and shiny, but even now that my phase has worn off, it's still a solid record. The following album was decent as well, although it had its share of clunkers as well. 2008 delivered The New Dark Age to us listeners, and through the benefit of hindsight it has shown me that the genre mixing wasn't the main thing that made Kiuas stand out, it was in fact the only thing.

The New Dark Age sees the once mighty Finns stripped of all the fancy battle armor that once adorned them. Underneath the imposing steel and leather, there is a spindly adolescent with a deep voice. The core of the warrior may not have been very strong, but when fully equipped for battle it was one hell of a force to be reckoned with. Well our warrior decided it was time to come out of his shell and stop pretending he was such a badass, and it was time instead to ride into battle unequipped yet determined. The point is that Kiuas is a fairly weak Heavy Metal band and in fact NEED the occasional blast beat, death grunt, or thrashy riff in order to fully reach their potential. In all honestly, one can only listen to the opening track, "The Decaying Doctrine", and promptly skip off to do something more worthwhile. That song is the blueprint for most of the rest of the album. It's mid-paced, chunky, bottom heavy, and features a good, clean middle range voice screaming over the top. The problem is that this formula wears thin rather quickly. One of the only times the formula is broken is on "To Excel and Ascend". The aforementioned track stills rides on a middle tempo and chugging chords, but it's one of the only times where Ilja Jalkanen lets his voice break the range he lazily sits in for the rest of the album, as he lets out a few low roars. Something incredibly simple like a few lines in a different vocal style reminds me why I fell in love with Kiuas in the first place. It's a shame that he and the rest of the band are suddenly afraid to experiment and let in all the outside ideas again. What we're left with is a fairly bland mid pace Heavy Metal album with a big focus on groove. Stick to The Spirit of Ukko, at least it manages to offer up more than two good tracks.

RATING - 52%


Originally written for www.metalcrypt.com

Hod - Serpent

BRAPDRAOONDURAPDAP *PPPPPTH* *whirlwind*

Despite the fact that Texas plays host to a respectably sized slew of Black Metal bands, most of them seem forever doomed to live in the shadow of the mighty Absu. New Black/Death outfit Hod does a pretty good job of reminding us that there are other things inside that big, dumb cousin of the USA apart from Absu and King Diamond (for the time being at least). Despite only being formed less than two years ago, all of the members have been involved in the scene for nearly two decades, so you can expect something that sounds like some seasoned veterans cranking out some vicious metal as opposed to a bunch of kids hopelessly paying tribute to their idols. Their debut full-length, Serpent, consists of seven razor sharp, high tempo, aggressive Black/Death tracks that never slow down enough to give your neck a break. It's just constant pummeling from the get go, just the way the style should be played. To paint a vivid picture as to what the band sounds like, imagine Goatwhore amped up the Black Metal in the riffing department, nearly eliminated their blast beats, and recruited Taz from Looney Toons for vocal duties. That's right; these vocals come off as hilarious as opposed to hateful. I understand that metal is a great medium to be as ridiculous as possible but still be extremely cool at the same time, but this is an entirely different level. The LAST thing you want a Black Metal album to remind you of is a children's cartoon. Apart from this one setback, Hod holds up very well amongst the sea of mediocrity nowadays. There aren't any real standout tracks, but the album itself is an enjoyable journey through the depths of hatred and revenge.

RATING - 80%


Originally written for www.metalcrypt.com 

Embryonic Depravity / Gorevent - Malignant Opus of Inherited Depravities

Chugga chugga chugga chugga CHOO CHOO

This split is absolutely dripping with hilarious cliché. From the longwinded and meaninglessly syllabic song titles of the Brits' band to the goofy Engrish of the Japanese folks, the track titles are merely the beginning of the stagnation and unoriginality to be found here. I can't even look at this from a band by band basis, as they are rather similar styles of drop Z Devourment worship. If I had to pick which band I'd prefer, it would be Embryonic Depravity simply because the vocals are less irritating. And really, pretty much the only difference between the bands is the vocals anyways.

The tracks are indistinguishable from one another, but that is par for the course in this style, and that honestly isn't really a problem. The real issue is the fact that all eight tracks between the two bands just plod along like a hippo with a hernia, except it's not as entertaining or memorable. Embryonic Depravity is, as I said, the better of the two bands because they take a healthy dash of Dying Fetus to mix in with the Devourment, and this is evident on tracks like "Insurgence of Dogmatic Antiquity" and "The Propagation of Decrepitude", throwing it some technical sweeps to break up the monotonous chugging. Vocally, they like to stick with the tried and true method of growling really deeply and not actually annunciating anything.

Gorvent, on the other hand, does pretty much everything wrong. I'll give them some leeway for at least having a better drum sound (no "rubber band slapping against a tin can" snare drum), but the annoyance of their weak bass drum and overly sharp cymbals kind of offset their one improvement over the first half. The vocals this time are even less decipherable, instead going for the uber low snoring technique utilized by many goregrind acts. The fact that the music is literally nothing but boring chug riffs severely hinders the enjoyment of it. Drums switch between typical back beats to blasts and that's really the only variation throughout their contribution to the split. I can't even point out any one song as being the best or worst simply because they are all the same basic formula of chug/blast/chug/break down.

Malignant Opus of Inherited Depravities is a below average mid-paced Brutal Death Metal split, but not something worth nobody's time. Devourment and Dying Fetus fans could check it out, but it's not for everybody.

EMBRYONIC DEPRAVITY - RATING - 50%
GOREVENT - RATING - 19%

OVERALL - 40%


Originally written for www.metalcrypt.com 

Deicide - Till Death Do Us Part

RURGH WOMEN SUCK I SAW BIGFOOT BLAAAARGH

Deicide baffles me. Deicide and Legion are Death Metal classics in my eyes, then they release Once Upon the Cross, which isn't awful, but rather pedestrian and a massive step down. Fourthly comes Serpents of the Light, which is a slightly different take on their established style, and thus one of their best records. Afterwards, they released a bunch of tedious and boring albums, they then boot out the Hoffman brothers, recruit Jack Owen from Cannibal Corpse and Ralph Santolla, who was fresh off recording Iced Earth's incredibly crappy The Glorious Burden, and release their masterpiece, The Stench of Redemption. Stench was chock-full of new and awesome ideas, more intense songs, and Santolla's masterful guitar wizardry. Everything had finally aligned for one of the original Death Metal acts.

So what the hell happened with Till Death Do Us Part? Everything that made the previous album spectacular is conspicuously absent. It's not like they've completely reverted to the tedium of the Insineratehymn days or anything, but whatever magic they previously possessed is completely gone. Benton's trademarked dual layered growls are still prevalent, Asheim's drumming is just as vicious as ever, but I think the thing that made the most difference of the previous record was the addition of Owen and Santolla. The latter's soloing style is rather unique and strange in the context of Deicide's brand of fury, but it fit perfectly. It was a breath of fresh air for us listeners, and now the two are relegated to the back with very few standout moments. Benton's divorce really tore into him, that's understandable, but it seems like he let that inspire him to a fault. "Goddammit guys, I'm angry and bitter! Fuck those melodies and leads you wrote, THIS is how I feel, so fuck you. Don't like it? Start your own band!". It all boils down to the music, and this pales in comparison to the 2006 opus. It's nothing new, it's like a forced mixture of their middle era and tinges of the last record. Either way, it lacks the memorability and awe-inspiring quality that The Stench of Redemption so proudly carried. Is this just a disappointment in comparison to the previous behemoth? Somewhat, but even as a standalone, this doesn't do anything to impress me.

RATING - 35%


Originally written for www.metalcrypt.com

Five Finger Death Punch - The Way of the Fist

You can't fool a former MTV drone!

I grew up with metal. My mother was a huge Metallica and Pantera fan, my dad loved Black Sabbath, I sang along with Megadeth's Countdown to Extinction from a very young age, and my taste stayed along the lines of hard rock ala GNR and mainstream metal for nearly the first decade of my life. Around the age of nine, I discovered cocai-.... erm... MTV. I was swept up into this mindfuck of a television station and began to base my tastes off of what was popular on the broadcasts. Because of this, I became a massive pop punk fan at nine years old. Blink 182, CIV, The Offspring, and other assorted bands were the order of the day. At age ten, I entered a brief rap phase. Eminem, Dr. Dre, stuff like that. After a few months of that, I "rediscovered" metal through dreck like Korn and Limp Bizkit. They blended that coolness of rap and that heaviness of metal to my ears. Obviously, I know better now, but that was a the coolest shit in the world when I was in fifth grade. I paid money to see Staind live, I thought Slipknot was the heaviest band around, I would listen to System of a Down's Toxicity at least twice a day, I probably still know all the lyrics to every song on Static-X's Wisconsin Death Trip. The lyrics of the genre reflected my twelve year old angst against the society that just didn't understand me, the songs were catchy and occasionally offensive, and it catered to the misunderstood like myself. Somewhere in eighth grade though, I had a strange desire for something a little more complex, so I got sucked into Metallica again and eventually refined myself into the Mosh Jesus you see today.

I shared this story because I learned something from it. Throughout my time as an angsty, Mohecan, nu metal drone, I became extremely familiar with the sound, ideals, and all the nooks and crannies of the genre. It gave me x-ray vision, so to speak... the ability to spot wolves in sheep's clothing. No longer could a bunch of angry losers in Halloween costumes control my mind. This is why Five Finger Death Punch is the recipient of so much of my uncontrollable rage, it's a collection of faux tough guys masquerading as heavy metal, polluting the minds of youngsters seeking to explore the genre. I am being 100% honest when I say that every last one of these songs sound like they would fit perfectly on Slipknot's Iowa. There is honestly nothing redeemable about this release, and all five members of the band, the road crew, those who helped in the studio, and all of their fans deserve to be rounded up, sodomized by cacti, castrated with meat tenderizers, and strangled with their own entrails. This is absolute zero, a place where all life dies. Matter ceases to move and music ceases to be enjoyable in any way.

The songs are only discernible due to differing levels of unintentional hilarity, almost all of which revolve around the hands down biggest clown to ever step behind the mic. Be it the laughable "BREAK THIS SHIT DOWN!", the pathetic "NO MERCY! YOU FAGGOT!", the despicable whining of "Everything I touch, turns to ashes...*crys*", or the sheer stupidity of shouting "YOU'RE MONKEY SEE AND MONKEY DO!" with honest conviction, the album is chock full of comedy around every turn. The breakdown of White Knuckles is pretty much the worst part of the entire record, as it just sums up the entire nu metal angst down to the letter. The crescendo of bullshit with him doing that stupid whisper-and-scream thing of "I'm taking back control... WITH MY KNUCKLES!", it's hilarious and humiliating at the same time. Every last lyric is the absolute nadir of creativity and sounds like shitty poetry hypothetically written by me circa 2001. It's all the same "I'm angry at the world, my father is an asshole, you're a bitch, why did my girlfriend leave me?, why doesn't anybody understand me?" garbage that saturated Korn albums in the late nineties. And honestly, everybody who isn't Devin Townsend should write this down, saying "fuck" every other word does not make you sound tough. The lyrics are not intimidating, I do not fear your obvious rage that you are so desperately trying to convey. Knock it off, it's not cool.

And as if the lyrics weren't enough reason to earn the ire of everybody who's heard an Exodus song in their lifetime, the vocals themselves are some of the most laughably horrendous I've heard since Masterpiece. He has two styles of vocals, Corey Taylor-esque "rawr I'm angry" tough guy screams and Corey Taylor-esque wussburger clean whining, both of which are terrible even for what they are... which is shitty. I've never met anybody who's been dumb enough to throw roadkill over a pile of shit, but this dweeb gets close enough to the general idea by taking an already awful style of vocals and managing to cock them up so badly. If there is any redeemable quality to him, it's that he shuts up every once in a while. The only downfall of the parts where he isn't crying is that he is no longer comically obscuring the pitiful instrumentals. I'll give these guys a very, VERY small amount of credit for at least being able to navigate around their instruments well enough, but that small amount of non-hatred is almost immediately stripped away due to the obnoxiously awful songwriting. They continue the old nu metal tradition of riding one riff into the ground for the duration of the track, with very small breaks for the inevitably terrible chorus and generically crappy breakdown. What could possibly be described as an average riff is extremely few and far between, and whenever it surfaces, it's drowned out by the hormonal stupidity of everybody's favorite microphone mongoloid.

People have tried to argue against my stance by claiming that the presence of double bass drums and guitar solos disqualifies it from being nu metal. This is like saying that calzones taste better if an accordian player is in the room. It has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Slipknot used double bass all the time, so let's not even try playing that card again. These solos that lobotomy patients speak of are as laughable as the rest of the record. Every time a solo starts up, the rest of the band slows down while the guitarist plays a super "emotional" lead consisting of maybe four or five notes, with a couple random rakes to fool all of the 'tards into thinking he's a guitar god. Honestly, listen to any solo on the record and try to imagine what they look like on stage. He hits his first prolonged note, the stage gets dark as all of the members step away from center stage, the lead guitarist slowly walks into the spotlight shining on the now clear center, his head flying back after each bent or held note. In the dark, one can faintly see the arms of the other four idiots rowing up and down, as they all bow on their knees to the six stringed messiah in front of them. He finishes his godlike twelve note solo, gently kisses the rest of the band on the forehead, and gives them permission return to their instruments so they can begin the song again. At this point, I would begin praying to God for Michael Romero to burst through the ceiling and COMPLETELY SHRED HIS FACE OFF! But alas, Romero seems content to sit on his ass and eat pork rinds all day, for if he had even a modicum of a sense of honor, he would've decapitated this blithering fool before this abomination of a record was recorded.

This is Slipknot, nothing more, nothing less. The overabundance of foolish teenage angst immediately shunts any good that could've hypothetically manifested itself through the record. And what's even more hilarious/depressing, is that nothing good is on here anyway. Roadkill over dungpiles, that's all. I believe that if you listen to this, decide it is enjoyable in any way other than unintentionally hilarious, then you need to be drawn and quartered. Listening to this is akin to having your foreskin slowly nibbled away by your grandmother. Death to Five Finger Death Punch. May your souls rot in eternal purgatory. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go blast some Torture Squad to wash the shit out of my ears.

RATING - 0%

Alter Self - Ashes over Eden

Nothing to really see here

While the album art of this Greek band's first, and currently only, demo screams of melocore posturing, the actual music underneath thankfully manages to carry a sharper edge reminiscent of The Crown. Ashes over Eden leans predominately towards the Thrash side of the Death/Thrash style, and there aren't any complaints from me about that. Alter Self is a competent band, but one that I feel hasn't come into their own quite yet. There isn't any shameless emulation to be found here, but there's very little that makes me say "FUCK YEAH" and start thrashing like a maniac. The solo and middle break in the title track is easily the highlight of this 15 minute romp, but the rest just kind of goes on through the background and never really grabs your attention. The vocalist from Alter Self's painfully mediocre countrymen, Dark Vision, makes a guest appearance on "Wither", but it honestly isn't that noticeable. Guest vocalists can be a neat feature if it's somebody with a recognizable voice and/or established background, like when Tomas Lindberg guested on The Crown's Deathrace King. Having your guest vocalist hail from an equally unknown band with a dime a dozen voice doesn't help you stand out at all. I know I've mentioned The Crown twice already, but that's really what Alter Self sounds like; a passable, but not enthralling, and less speed obsessed version of the legendary Swedes. Give it a listen if you've got nothing else going on, but don't go out of your way for it.

RATING - 59%