Vader - Black to the Blind

Transpierced hymens my lust adores

Poland's deservedly well-known death metal legends, Vader, are part of a small yet honorable group of bands that have become known for mind boggling consistency. If you find that you like Litany, chances are you'll love De Profundis and Revelations just as much. Sure, a few folks will complain about how much The Beast sucked or how Impressions in Blood is nothing like The Ultimate Incantation, but most Vader fans are smart enough to realize that there is something special in each and every album. Yet for some reason, their third release, Black to the Blind, seems to be somewhat overlooked and under discussed.

Maybe it's because it falls in between two undisputed classics in De Profundis and Litany, but I find Black to the Blind to be every bit as good as those two. Clocking in at just under thirty minutes, this is the shortest release the band has ever put out; this would lead one to believe that it is also the fastest, and they might be right. It's difficult to judge the relative speed between two Vader releases, as they've always played an extremely fast, intense, high-octane brand of death metal, featuring some of the most mind blowingly fast and precise drumming of the nineties. Doc's performance here is every bit as good as anything else he ever did in his lifetime, blasting away with almost robotic precision. And just like every other album, I find it hard to find a weak track, only some which rock a little bit less. I find the least memorable one to be The Red Passage, but that isn't saying much, as each and every track is 100% solid death metal. Beast Raping and the second half of Distant Dream are probably the two slowest moments on the entire album barring the intro to Carnal, but again, that's kind of a moot point when even those sections are still fast enough to keep the flow going. Hell, even the little breakdown near the end of the title track is bookended by two ludicrously fast sections. I think what people are mistaking as "groovy" riffs are simply slowed down versions of pre established riffs. The middle section of Fractal Light, the pre-verse of True Names, they wouldn't sound out of place on De Profundis if they were played but ten or twenty BPMs faster.

But the best of the best here, is clearly the third track, Carnal. It starts off as the slowest part, the guitars grinding slowly while the drums carry an extremely simple cymbal rhythm, and yet it manages to be completely captivating, making you earnestly await for when the track will inevitably explode. The listener's anxiety is succinctly obliterated and replaced with total awe as the piece takes on it's true form, rolling your ass with one of the fastest riffs Peter and Co. ever wrote and Doc's signature blasts repeatedly molesting your eardrums like a machine gun.

It's difficult to do an in-depth analysis of this album, or any Vader album for that matter, mainly because of how consistent they are throughout each record. The nigh indiscernible differences between the tracks aren't enough to bring the overall enjoyment of the album down, unlike Goatwhore. Black to the Blind smokes face from start to finish, with nothing more than a minor hiccup or two with the intro to The Red Passage. There isn't anything here that will change a skeptic's mind about the band, as it is nothing new, but it is another solid slab of intensity to satisfy any death metal fan. Recommended.

RATING - 92%

Tiran - Demonia

Bring some soap to the listening party

As children in America, we are taught that Russia is very large, but everybody lives in one crowded city, wears furry hats, and drinks isopropyl alcohol all day long. When I, as a child, would raise my hand and ask the teacher "Why? Wouldn't it make sense to move out of the big city and go somewhere else if the country is so huge?", the teacher would respond with "Because Russia is retarded and backwards. They light themselves on fire when they get invaded and they have nuclear missles pointed at America, so they suck". Times may have changed, but Tiran seems like the heavy metal representation of the angry, drunk, nonsensical Russian that the wonderful public school system in Illinois taught me as a child.

In a word, Demonia is just downright dirty. You can practically visualize the flakes of dirt and dead skin fluttering off in every direction while the band and all their fans headbang in unison. The riffs are all straight up, Sodom influenced thrash (which comes as no surprise considering the third track, "S.O.D.O.M.") covered in mud. There aren't any studio tricks at work, so you'll hear the honest style of a three piece on this record (no dueling harmonies or guitar riffs under a solo, for example, just one guitar all the time), and as such the bass is a little more prominent than usual for the lo-fi thrash sound. The production is very raw and filthy, with a very distorted low end and thick wall of sound. The problem is that, while the sound is good enough for the low tier thrash style, the music doesn't do enough to keep the listener interested. I'm aware that this is thrash, and thrash was never a thinking man's music, but this is difficult to just headbang for a half hour to. Sure, "Kult Trupa" and "S.O.D.O.M." have some interesting riffs and "Provokator" is really sick when the tempo shoots up, but the record on the whole just kind of waltzes in one ear and out the other. Percussion does little to spice things up and the vocals don't do too much to distract from the typically boring instrumentals. What this leaves is a very middle-of-the-road, yet very primal, thrash record. Don't get me wrong though, attitude is definitely where the band excels. Tiran sounds like they light their audience on fire at every show, just to prove they aren't fucking around. They sound like they probably start every morning with a double shot of vodka chased with a slightly weaker vodka. In other words, Tiran is precisely that brutish Russian stereotype that little American children become familiar with thanks to the propaganda footage and Disney cartoons.

Demonia will most likely never become a staple in your listening cycles, but it's a fun filler record that you can churn through once a year just to show off your knowledge of obscure thrash to your friends I guess... if you're into that sort of thing. "Panika" and "Tvari" are the best tracks here, and I think that Tiran could work their way up the thrash ladder if they expand on the fury showcased in those two tracks above all the rest. Otherwise it's fairly pedestrian, forgettable thrash, albeit with a vicious attitude. Tiran write big, stupid, drunk, and pissed off thrash, which is quite good in itself, but it seems they're a little bit too inebriated and can't quite write a fantastic riff as a result.

RATING - 62%

Timeless Miracle - Into the Enchanted Chamber

The Ballad of Gary

When I was a young lad, growing up in the backwoods of the suburbs of Chicago, I had a friend named Gary. Gary was a spunky young boy, energetic and vibrant, yet still extremely smart. Gary had a future ahead of him, a future much brighter than the gelatinous entity that my soul resides inside of that spends all of its free time critiquing metal albums on the internet. One day, not long after puberty, Gary's birthday rolled around. I figured that I owed my best friend a birthday present, and I remembered that he had a somewhat bizarre taste for the dark, macabre, and mystical. Perusing through the local record store, I came across a dark album cover in the metal section. It featured a decaying forest, the stone bust of a snarling werewolf, a shining entrance to a forbidden tomb, and a large clock that was apparently crafted by a dyslexic triple amputee. I said to myself "Gee golly jeepers! This is just the kind of mysticism that Gary is into! How picture perfect for me to conveniently stumble across an obscure metal release in a record store in Aurora! Wayne's World lied, Aurora is actually a fucking scumhole, but hey, they apparently sell Scandinavian metal here!". I wrapped the CD in tin foil (just to show how metal I was), and handed it to him at his birthday party. He opened the package and lit up with glee. He ran to the stereo to listen to his new, dark, mysterious album. Fifteen seconds into the first song, he began foaming at the mouth, convulsing, and bleeding from the eyes. I dashed forward and caught his nearly lifeless body before it came crashing down. As my best friend died in my arms in a puddle of piss and drool, I raised my fist and futilely shouted to God "Why hath thou brought this upon this young angel?!".

I later learned that Gary was lactose intolerant, and the sheer cheese that saturated this album was enough to deliver a lethal, seizure inducing dose to a young boy with such a condition.

Now, despite the fact that this story is obviously false and chronologically makes as much sense as an inflatable dartboard, the moral stands; this is the hands down cheesiest album I've ever heard. Cheese is a hard thing to define in a musical context, but one can find almost no other description of this music. Seriously, listen to this fluffy, flowery album and think of a term to sum it all up. Chances are you thought of a term for molded old milk. And the strange thing is that Into the Enchanted Chamber is, on the whole, an enjoyable album. Sure, it's not the most original thing I've heard, nor is it the highest quality of flower metal I've heard, but there is just something about the unabashed, pop-influenced, and inoffensive music on this record that I cannot help but enjoy. Be it the bouncy keyboard parts, the happy-go-lucky vocals, catchy choruses, or the occasional excellent riff, very little can be described as shitty. The production is tighter than a four year old and the songwriting is solid.

The vocalist was the main component in my reasoning for my somewhat negative first draft submitted nearly a year ago, but I've come to somewhat adore the fact that he sounds like he's singing with a clothespin over his nostrils. It makes Timeless Miracle stand out among the sea of wailing falsettos that are nigh indiscernible from each other. I hear super flowery power metal and I couldn't tell you who it was if I was looking at the goddamn album cover, but as soon as I hear the allergy afflicted sounds of our bald headed castrato crooner, I jump with glee. His voice never fails to garner a grin from me, be it for the unintentional hilarity or the fact that he just sounds so happy and innocent, despite the fact that he's singing about dismembering children. Which brings me to the next facet that makes them unique, the lyrics. While a lot of flower metal bands are stuck in the fantasy rut involving fairies and goblins and elves and unicorns and reach arounds and all that jazz, Timeless Miracle sing graphic tales of werewolves disemboweling little girls and a man's last minutes before being strung up in the gallows. Pagan rituals, malicious spirits, conniving witches, escaping Hell, Into the Enchanted Chamber really breaks the stereotype when it comes to what poofy keyboard driven metal usually sing about.

Instrumentally, I don't really see anything worthy of knob slobbing, but I will say that the highlights of the album are easily the galloping riff patterns (Curse of the Werewolf, Down to the Gallows, Return of the Werewolf) and the bouncy and/or upbeat keyboard melodies (The Gates of Hell, Into the Enchanted Chamber). It seems like the band is always at their strongest when they quit pussyfooting with overlong epic bollocks and emotional ballads and just brazenly stampede into a riff monster or unabashedly glossy and poppish section. This means that I find The Voyage and Memories to be the weakest tracks here, but they don't detract too much from the overall experience. While the music itself is usually bordering between mediocre and decent, it is played competently enough and ends up somewhat arbitrary anyways because whenever the music gets boring, you find yourself focusing on the vocals, which make the music that much more fun.

If you have friends like Gary, don't be fooled like I was, this isn't anywhere near as dark as it seems at face value. Shit, this is pretty much like staring at Sirius. But unlike Helloween's much lauded abomination, The Dark Ride, Into the Enchanted Chamber doesn't pull any punches or feebly try and force out a darker side. It doesn't try to be anything that it isn't, and the innocence and happy-go-luckiness of the whole deal just makes any day brighter than it previously was. So this isn't the kind of metal you put on when you want to pump yourself up before a streetfight or something. It's more something you put on in the car on the way to an amusement park. Overall, my only complaint is that the slower and more emotional moments take away from the fun that I was having before they came and tried raining on my parade, but if one can look past these small blemishes, there lies a bafflingly fun and enjoyable record. Listen only if you can appreciate molten mozzarella over your tulips.

RATING - 91%

The Sword - Age of Winters

Hell bent on destroying my credibility

The Sword is one of those bands that a lot of metalheads scoff at as being third rate wannabes with nary a shred of artistic integrity. One of those sad amalgamations of hipster kids that wanted to cash in on the popularity of metal. While, yes, the founding member was originally a founding member of an indie band, the premise of The Sword being formed purely for financial gain is laughable considering the last four words of the preceding sentence make as much sense as shit scented deodorant. Metal has a massive and loyal following, true, but if they really wanted to make money off the style, they would've taken a route like thrash revival or metalcore. Y'know, something that's proven to be an almost guaranteed snatch of at least half of one's fifteen minutes of fame. Who knows why the style switch happened? I guess only the members themselves will, but it's a pretty safe bet that they simply enjoy the music. I find it strange that people lambast a band for doing something purely because they think it's cool... why the fuck else are you supposed to do something? Sex is pretty cool is it not? Well, since you haven't been having sex since birth then dammit you don't deserve to have any now!. You eat sausage with your pancakes for years? Did you recently discover that bacon is actually the ultimate breakfast enhancer? Too bad asshole! Tough shit, you should've thought of that before you started with sausage you fucking heathen.

You see the absurdity? I can understand spiting a kid who takes up skateboarding just because his friends do. Sure, he can give the activity a bad name with his lack of understanding of the history and/or totally bodacious slang. He may even make a complete fool out of himself by busting his melon trying to drop in on the half pipe at your local skate park... but can you really keep hating him if he persists and turns out to be a solid skateboarder? That's The Sword in my eyes. It seems to me like they may have taken up playing a watered down High on Fire style for either of the two reasons listed above: either they liked it to begin with, or because of a third party. Either way, the end result isn't undesirable. It's derivative and lacking in substance at times, true, but the riffs are solid enough and played competently.

I'll be the first to admit, while I do enjoy the occasional listen to Age of Winters, there are two very glaring flaws that make the album either unintentionally laughable or difficult to listen to. The first point is the lyrics, holy hell and a half do these lyrics blow a fat one. Here is a tutorial on how to write lyrics for a Sword album: go to your local library and check out a book about mythology. Greek, Norse, Finnish, whatever, everything gets a mention. Now go to a zoo and throw it at the chimpanzees. After a few days, retrieve the book from the cage, pick out every sentence with feces smeared on it, and then throw them together haphazardly. They don't have to fit into a pleasing cadence, they don't have to follow a rhyme scheme, just as long as you cram as many awesome sounding names in there as you can. Congratulations! You have successfully written Lament for the Aurochs! +666EXP! Level up! The second point of contention is the drummer. Either this man has the ride mixed far too high, or he seriously uses the crash to keep the beat. Either way there is a constant *TEEESH TEEESH TEEESH* noise carrying on throughout the entirety of almost every single track at nearly the same beat with very little variation. It can be grating and makes the album almost impossible to finish if you notice it, and believe me, once you notice it, it doesn't go away.

As for everything else, it's nothing special, but yet it's nothing to earn your ire. A majority of the riffs may give you a little niggling feeling of deja vu, but they flow together so well you seem to forget that Sleep wrote these riffs many a moon ago. Even so, songs like Iron Swan and The Horned Goddess give my head little choice except to bang excessively. Many of the riffsets are nothing short of punishing and 100% heavy fucking metal, as unoriginal as they may be. I'll admit that the last three songs manage to fall flat on the whole, with Ebethron having a really unnecessary drum ditty in the middle, March of the Lor having easily the lamest riffs on the whole album and some of the worst I've heard period (bizarrely, they are sprinkled between some of the most intense moments on the record), and Lament for the Aurochs plodding on for far too long. Freya has gained national exposure due to the Guitar Hero series, but I still find it to be enjoyable with a scrumptiously satisfying main riff, despite the overexposure and being the band's Stairway to Heaven (I say that solely in the sense that is the only song that casual fans can name off the top of their heads). It's hard to verbalize what makes the music good, but believe me it's a love it or hate it type of thing. Imagine Blessed Black Wings simplified and with a below par drunken crooner behind the mic, but imagine it sounding good.

I've dwelled on the negative for a majority of this review, and I'm actually coming up short on why the album and band don't deserve the shit that they usually get. It's derivative, has a lazy vocalist, an annoying drum production, and god awfully bad lyrics, but dammit it's good. Age of Winters is greater than the sum of it's parts, and yet I can't quite explain why. It's comparable to (brace yourself readers, here comes another food comparison) grilled cheese. It's fatty, greasy, bare bones, minimalistic, and pretty much the bottom of the barrel when it comes to cuisine... but holy DAMN does it taste good! Really, this is a controversial record and an objective analysis is somewhat difficult to come by. The dribbling fools hailing this to be top notch doom metal need to pull their heads out of their ass for fear of choking on their heads, and the staunch haters need to loosen up their tin foil helmets, it's probably restricting bloodflow. Just because a fairly unoriginal and catchy band garners mainstream attention doesn't indicate the destruction of the underground. Motorhead will still put out great records, Altars of Madness will sound just as good as it did almost twenty years ago, and Origin will still play a mindblowingly fast brand of technical death metal. And even if any of this changes, none of it can be blamed on The Sword's rise to fame. Listen and judge for yourself, but try not to make up your mind before hearing it.

RATING - 76%

The Lord Weird Slough Feg - Twilight of the Idols

Slop a-sloppy joe, a-slop a-sloppy joe

Come one and come all! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, gather 'round the internet! The only place where you'll find an American Midwestern redneck like myself consider ground beef covered in barbecue sauce and other assorted spices slathered between two buns fine cuisine. Shit, smack some cheese in the middle of this concoction and you've pretty much got a Jesus sandwich! The sloppy joe is somewhat unappealing to those brand new to American redneck food, looking somewhat lacking in the stability department. A city slicker or European may ask "Well, wouldn't that fall apart when picked up? It's like mega chunky soup smooshed between two slices of bread", and this is where the mullet headed, gun toting, beer guzzling inbreds that I call my family say "Well that's the best part, you can just scrape the excess garbage up with some potato chips and eat that!".... or they just shoot at them and yell violently about never coming near their double-wide ever again if they like their ass in one piece, depending on how much Coors Light said hick has consumed.

Now that we're all uncomfortably aware of how much I love meat in my buns, I'd like to say that The Lord Weird Slough Feg's sophomore full length, 1999's Twilight of the Idols, stands as the musical manifestation of my beloved sloppy joe; messy, yet undeniably delicious. One description I use a lot in my reviews is "precise", I find myself endlessly praising people like Doc Raczkowski and Gene Hoglan for being able to play extremely fast and yet extremely tightly. Yet here, Slough Feg's music sounds like the guitars are playing too fast for the drum beat or that random notes are hit on accident. Cues sound missed, riffs sound half a beat longer than the drums, the entire recording comes off as amateurish at worst, and like a drunken rehearsal at best. The intros of both Warpspasm and Bi-Polar Disorder are two excellent examples of what I'm talking about. And throughout all of that, I have a hard time thinking of a more fun and enjoyable album off the top of my head. The bouncy rhythms and sheer Celtic quirk that saturate this record seep through my speakers, bashes my balls against a running belt sander, and then mushroom stamps me with all of the fury and swagger that one should expect from Slough Feg. Tracks like Highlander, The Great Ice Wars, and Slough Feg carry a slightly dark undertone to the otherwise uptempo and somewhat happy and innocent sounding melodies. It may sound odd, but really, The Pangs of Ulster never fails to make me grin.

There is also plenty of variety to be found here, songs range from the faux heavy metal epic, The Great Ice Wars, the gruesome gather-'round-the-campfire battle hymn, Brave Connor Mac, and the dark galloper High Season II. There's something for everybody here. Bi-Polar Disorder actually wouldn't sound out of place as one of the faster songs on a 70's Black Sabbath release, barring the vocals of course. I'd have to say that the first half of the record is better overall, as The Great Ice Wars has this really unnecessary ambient middle part with Scalzi narrating the story. This is not the only flaw of the album, but it is easily the most annoying, as it is the first time I find myself itching to press the skip track button. And what's even worse is that it's bookended by two excellent sections of galloping heavy metal. But the good news is that almost every other aspect of Twilight of the Idols is pure, auditory sex. The leads are always blistering and ear catching, soaring high over the unadulterated quirk below. It's almost like clutching onto the feathers of a Griffin as it soars over a Medieval battle remeniscent of a scene out of Braveheart or something.

It's hard to describe what The Lord Weird Slough Feg actually sounds like, much less what makes them so good. Think about it, you cannot describe a smell without comparing it to another smell, and it's damn near impossible to describe what color is, and classing Slough Feg is just as daunting of a task. Try it out, try explaining what sizzling bacon smells like without referencing another smell, try defining the spectrum of color without using a dictionary (or by just being smart, you aren't welcome here if you are), and then try pigeonholing Slough Feg. The easiest and broadest term to use would just be "heavy metal", and that's really about as descriptive as it gets. The best description I've found is Di'Anno era Iron Maiden with a Celtic tinge, sans the twang. Listen for yourself, and buy the albums if you can find them.

RATING - 96%

The Lord Weird Slough Feg - Down Among the Deadmen

Astounding on all levels

The Lord Weird Slough Feg seems to have gotten a good amount of internet buzz as of recently... or at least in the sections of the internet that I frequent. But I say proudly, if it weren't for all of this hype, I would've never been exposed to this metal masterpiece. Slough Feg is one of the few bands on earth that deserves every good thing that ever gets said about them.

The year 2000 was overall a dreary year for metal on the surface. The nu metal scourge was garnering all of the media attention and giving metal a bad name to the outsider. I quick glance through my iTunes shows the only good metal releases for the year being Nile's Black Seeds of Vengeance, Vader's Litany, Persuader's The Hunter, and this. So I can only imagine the impact this would've had on me if my nine/ten year old ears had heard Warrior's Dawn back then as opposed to the Limp Bizkit and Korn dreck I liked (I'll admit, I was a nu metal fan, but keep in mind my age... I was still young). I guess what I'm trying to say is that history is on Down Among the Deadmen's side. It was a shining example of what heavy metal was, it embodied metal's ideals and objectives during one of the darkest years since 1993. During a time when metal was viewed as a bunch of angsty dolts in clown makeup, one album stood above the rest as what metal is, should be, and always will be.

Almost nothing is wrong with this record, and it falls just a hair short of a perfect score for me. Cauldron of Blood is overlong and a tad bit droning, as is the middle section of High Season, but otherwise this is a flawless album that should be mandatory listening in schools across the world. Since there is a better chance of me shitting out a pineapple than any kids ever discovering this gem on their own, I'll just recommend this to all metalheads who read this review or have even a passing interest in music that falls on the heavy side of the spectrum. Hell, even you light rock/pop wussburgers should listen to this.

The album is produced wonderfully, the guitar tone is pleasantly chunky to complement the balls out metal of the songs, the drums sound excellent and real (they would fail at this part on the follow up to this album, Traveller), and Mike Scalzi is one of the most perfect tenor voices metal has ever heard. He adds a raspy edge to his tales of Celtic myths and, as seen in Warrior's Dawn, even some American history.

Slough Feg is one of those few acts that possess that wonderful Running Wild quality I mention all the time.... the charm, charisma, and aura that makes every song an enjoyable ride that you want to hear over and over again, no matter how simplistic and immature the song may be. The kicker here is that no songs are juvenile or immature, most are semi-complex metal anthems that are not only catchy, but sophisticated at the same time. Traders and Gunboats, one of the best tracks on the album, even has this goofy spoken part about what I can assume to be the role playing game Traveller, a game that the next album would actually be based on. Even with the nerdy monologue in the middle of the galloping riff titan, I can't help but feel that it does not disrupt any flow and I actually find myself excitedly following along with the spiel, enthusiastically shouting about the Daylight Consulate and Sword-Worlds. Not many bands can do that, but Slough Feg can. Even the insidiously catchy Heavy Metal Monk, complete with what is simultaneously the goofiest and best lyrics metal has ever seen, just commands the respect and attention of everybody in earshot.

The slower, almost doomyish Psionic Illuminations is catchy beyond belief, as is the much lauded Walls of Shame (I find it to be a tad overrated, but that doesn't stop it from being perfect (if that makes any sense)). Songs like High Season, Warrior's Dawn, and Marauder have some of the most compelling intros I've ever heard. To me, an intro is supposed to either grab your attention and make you yearn to hear what follows, build anticipation, or mushroom stamp you with a diamond dick. Slough Feg manages to accomplish every task I feel an intro should accomplish. Warrior's Dawn (which in case you can't tell, is my favorite song) starts with the excellent war drum beat and the guitar's rallying gallop. It's odd, but Slough Feg is one of the very few bands where I find myself complementing the intros.... whatever they do, they do it very fucking right.

I fear that this is turning into fanboy raving, so I'll stop here. The riffs are almost all deliciously old school galloping exercises, the drums are actually compelling, the bass is audible, the lyrics are excellent and usually fantasy based, and Scalzi has one of the better voices in metal. Unfortunately the band would never reach these heights again, but they have never and will never flat out suck, so do everything in your power to get your hands on any album bearing their name. Hardworlder is more rockish than metal, Atavism is shorter and faster, the self titled is a rough and raw blueprint of their trademark style, and Twilight of the Idols is where they established it. Down Among the Deadmen, above all else, is where they perfected their melodic, folkish style of classic traditional heavy metal. Mandatory listening, one of the best albums of the millennium so far.

RATING - 97%

Symphony X - Paradise Lost

Best of 2007?

Damn close. I don't really know any other album that blew me away as much as Symphony X's latest outing, so I guess the title would indeed go to them. People complain that this is a departure from their style, seeing as to how this is the first Symphony X album I've ever been able to sit through in its entirety, I can safely say that this is my favorite, and I really don't care how different it is. The epic intro of Oculus Ex Inferni was strange to me, I was listening to this wondering how on earth they could possibly make this into something totally metal without descending into self indulgent wankery. Set the World on Fire quickly tore through the speakers in my car and set my ass straight. I purposely parked in the parking lot of Menard's on my way back home from Best Buy after buying this, purely so I could just sit there and listen to the whole album before I had to eject it.

Yes, that is the only album that has managed to do that to me. The Stench of Redemption got close, but this one pulled it off. Michael Romero is a fucking wizard, we all know that, and he impressed me the most on this album. Sure, the riffs are a bit more stripped down and simplistic than Divine Wings of Tragedy or something, but they have never kicked this much ass. As somebody from another site mentioned, they are one of the few bands that don't forget the "metal" part of "progressive metal". Russell Allen is highly impressive here as well, in fact, this performance has made him one of my favorite metal vocalists. Yeah, above the guy from Virgin Steele, that's how awesome. The keys have some standout solos, and the bass and drums would be phenomenal in any other band, but here they are kind of overshadowed by the sheer amazingness of Romero and Allen. That doesn't stop the intro of Domination from absolutely destroying everyone and everything.

My neck hurt after listening to this album, prog metal rarely makes me hurt myself (unless I'm eating glass to try and forget the pain my ears are experiencing (in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a huge prog fan)). Prog usually bores me. The musicians are always astounding, but rarely do I hear a song that I just want to hear over and over again until I puke. This should be a testament to how great Paradise Lost is, because I knew all of the words to Eve of Seduction after about two days of casual listening. This album is catchy and fucking furious.

Before y'all get annoyed of my constant gushing again, I'll point out the shortcomings. The second ballad, The Sacrifice, isn't all that great or interesting. I hear a lot of Dream Theater in it, which is a bad thing for the most part. At least Allen kicks ass on it, as opposed to how it would sound of LaBrie was whining all over the top of it. I feel I should also mention that the solo is breathtakingly great. But on the whole, The Sacrifice is a boring song, not bad, just boring. The first ballad, on the other hand, is astounding, so don't get the idea that I am against anything that doesn't rage along at 255 bpm. That said, Serpent's Kiss isn't as magnificent as the rest either, it seems to be the grooviest (which isn't necessarily bad, it just doesn't seem to work here).

But that's really the only bad part on the album. Even the nine minute closer remains captivating throughout the duration. Eve of Seduction has some of the cheesier/dumber romance lyrics I've ever heard, but judging by the destructive fucking speed/power/prog metal on top of them, you'd never guess what it was about. (Which reminds me, this album is pretty hard to classify. Prog metal would be an acceptable blanket genre, but it also has strong elements of both power and groove metal infused inside.) Domination has one of the coolest intros I've ever heard, the drummer has to verge on spontaneously combusting during that part with the insanely precise double kicks. Seven just oozes with symbolism (seven minutes?! seventh song?! oh my goodness!!), but the cheese factor doesn't stop it from kicking just as much ass as the rest of the record. The title track is another choice cut, despite being a beautiful piano driven tune as opposed to the rest of the balls out metal on here.

So yeah, my favorite songs would probably be Eve of Seduction, Seven, or Set the World on Fire, but there aren't any bad ones. Serpent's Kiss is only average and The Sacrifice doesn't measure up to the rest, but they aren't bad songs at all. While I'm sure I've rated or will rate other 2007 albums higher than this album's 94, the title of best of '07 still goes to Symphony X. Try it out. From what I understand, fans of older material won't dig this as much as I did, but judge it on it's own merit, not what you think it has to live up to, it becomes a much better album that way.

RATING - 94%

(side note, this is an old review, this isn't best of '07 at all) 

Stormwarrior - Stormwarrior

Tope Notche Mediocritye

Welle, whate doe we have here? Ae Germane speede metale bande withe Kai Hansen'se approvale ofe awesomenesse? Thate hase toe rule righte?

Okay, first off, the whole gimmick with adding an "e" to the end of every word is exceedingly stupid and needs to metaphorically suck out farts and die. I'm not marking down points for that, that would be retarded. It's not detrimental to the music, just really fucking annoying.

Now, superficial vent aside, let's get to the subject of the review, Stormwarrior. About twenty seconds into the first song, I proclaimed out loud "twenty bucks says they're from Germany", and I was right. The German speed metal sound is a very distinct one, and is one of the only styles that one can immediately identify the geographic location of a band upon hearing them. Frankly, I love that sound, but Stormwarrior has taken worship to the extreme. As much fun as this album is, there is not a single original note throughout the entirety of the record.

The one word that best describes Stormwarrior's self titled debut is "Deja-vu". Not one riff doesn't sound like something you heard on Walls of Jericho almost twenty years prior. Usually this is a good thing, but this is blatant, unimaginative worship on an almost Trivium-esque scale. This doesn't sound as much like a throwback to the good ol' days of 1985 as it is undoubtedly attempting to be. Instead, it sounds like a cover band, albeit a very good one. Deceiver might as well have been named "Murderer", as it's the same goddamn song. Even the vocalist sounds EXACTLY like Kai Hansen. Jens Carlsson sounds nearly identical to Hansi Kursch, so why do I lambast Thunder Axe for sounding nearly identical to Kai Hansen? Because Persuader actually accomplishes something that Stormwarrior merely attempt yet sadly fail at, writing orignal, creative, and unique songs.

As if it wasn't bad enough that this was essentially a half assed attempt at writing Walls of Jericho part II, they decided to take their unoriginality to the next level by having Kai Hansen produce the album, contribute a solo or two and some backing vocals, and even cover Heavy Metal (Is the Law) with him singing! Jesus man, I guess if you can't hide your blatant plagiarism, you might as well have the original writer endorse it eh? I really don't see what people are talking about when they say that Stormwarrior "puts an original spin on the old style". What original spin? There is none! The music (which, mind you, is what actually counts) sounds like every early/mid eighties German speed metal record sounded like. I'm sorry, but changing the lyrical subject matter from fantasy or pirates to vikings does not make one a creative individual. Stormwarrior is to Walls of Jericho and Gates to Purgatory as what The Crusade is to Master of Puppets.

Now, despite all this negativity, this isn't actually a bad album. As the title states, this is top notch mediocrity. They do nothing original, but they do it extremely well. Even though this is pretty much 50 minutes of rehashed Helloween and Running Wild riffs/melodies, it's still a fun experience the first time through. The album definitely loses it's touch after a couple spins, but some songs (Deathe by the Blade, Signe of the Warlorde) are honestly excellent songs. The production is excellent, the musicianship is great, and when you really think about it, all of the elements to a great album are there... the only lacking quality is originality.

This album was tailor made for early speed metal fans, but it's only an amazing album if you can look past the glaring unoriginality. On the whole, it's a decent record. It gets boring by the end due to a very severe lack of variety, but again, it isn't terrible. I would say that Kai would be disappointed with a band trying so hard yet failing to capture the magic that he emanates, but apparently he's so proud of this band that he made sure he blew his load all over the album. So a D+ to Stormwarrior. It's a fun record on the first spin, but that's about it. Every last song sounds like the one before it, which all incidentally sound like something we've all heard a million times before.

RATING - 68%

Stormtroopers of Death - Speak English or Die

Lemme tell ya something 'bout a porcupine's balls

They're small..... and they don't give a SHIT!

If Stormtroopers of Death has anything metal should have, it's the attitude. It's kind of a punk rock attitude mixed almost 50/50 with the thrash metal ideals of the time (beer + fast + more beer = thrashTASTIC!). And with that fuck-the-world mentality flowing through the veins of an early incarnation of Anthrax, S.O.D. was born. From what I understand, Speak English or Die ranks as one of the first crossover thrash records ever recorded, so it obviously has history on it's side, but unfortunately the tendency to have fun gets in the way of the actual songwriting.

Before I get lambasted for bitching about a band trying to have fun, I'd like to point out that no matter what, the music is always the most important part. If the music is fun, that's great, but if it comes off as little more than a poorly written joke, it gets in the way of the enjoyment of the album. Children of Bodom is a prime offender of this, constantly covering non metal songs purely for laughs, not because they might actually sound good or show influence or anything, purely for shiggles. I really don't care if it was the band's intention to just make a stupidly fun record, because if I were to rate music based on if it sounds like what the band wanted it to sound like, everything would have a perfect score! So musically, this album earns exemplary marks for a few excellent thrashers, but far too much goofing off for it's own good.

Songs like Chromatic Death, Speak English or Die, Kill Yourself, and Sargent D and the S.O.D. are thrash monsters worthy of anybody's ears, and if the entire record was as focused musically as these few, it'd be a near perfect album. Unfortunately, the band takes their humorous lyrical approach a bit too seriously at times and churn out worthless time wasters like Hey Gordy!, What's that Noise?, Diamonds and Rust (Extended Version), and Anti Procrastination Song. I'll admit, I think The Ballad of Jimi Hendrix is funny as hell, but it's a complete waste otherwise. The band can't seem if they are in the studio for some lighthearted fun or thrashing listeners' balls off. Some songs (Milk, Pre Menstrual Princess Blues, Speak English or Die) actually do a really good job of intertwining the goofy lyrics and the intense music. When they get it right, they really get it right. Scott Ian riffs just as well as he did with Anthrax at the time, Charlie Benante is still one of my favorite drummers of all time, Dan Lilker is solid as usual, and Billy Milano has a perfect crossover shout. The main reason the album doesn't score higher is because of the wasteful throwaways that litter an otherwise intense and high energy thrash record.

But, as I previously said, this album does fulfill the purpose it sets out to do, and that is make a record that is not only intense, but also a lot of fun. I know I said I shouldn't base a score of something like that, but in the end, the album is highly enjoyable, which is all that really matters, so I lied, the album earns a B+ on the the whole. The joke songs are indeed annoying and flow breaking, but there are a lot less than I may have made it seem. On the whole, it's a fun album, but don't go in looking for anything thought provoking.

FIST BANGING MANIA!

 RATING - 87%

Starseed - Cosmic Conspiracy

Surprise from left field!

This band came as a total surprise to me. A friend of mine told me about them, and thusly I checked them out, because he normally has a really good taste in metal. Long story short, he's steered me wrong before, but when he's right... holy FUCK is he right.

What sets Starseed apart from other death metal bands from around the world? For me, it is the sci-fi element. Is it a gimmick? No, or at least it never comes off as one. It never gets overblown or cheesy. The keys are always tasteful and well used, and they actually pull off some really cool melodies, a rarity for death metal. The drumming is tight and the riffs are competent. Vocally, they aren't anything special, but it isn't annoying, so that's definitely a plus.

But unfortunately, when one breaks down the only release from these German death metallers, it is, at it's core, very basic. The blast beats are typical, the riffs don't stand out, the vocals may not be annoying, but they are kind of pedestrian. One of the only aspects that I find to be astounding are the melodies. If there is one thing they do very well, it is memorable melodies. The keys and lead guitar work together seamlessly and create some hauntingly beautiful passages in otherwise crushing death metal riff monsters (The Forlorn and Survival of Zeta Reticuli are good examples of what I mean). I might be sending mixed messages, so let me clarify a bit: there are a multitude of riffs, but very few stand out as amazing, most are good or above average, but rarely are they exhilarating.

This album confuses me a bit, because I'm not sure if it's supposed to be considered a full length. It is only six songs, and is just shy of twenty minutes long, yet it somehow managed to be considered a full length on the site. Go figure. Anyways, I think the fact that this is such a short record actually worked to its advantage. I obviously like it, but it is a very basic album once you work past the sense of melody. The length prevents it from growing stale or wearing out its welcome, which is good, because I'd hate to ever have to call this band mediocre.

Well, this is a short album, so this is obviously going to be a short review. All of the songs are great, but would amount to a very average death metal release once you strip away the sci-fi keys and melodies. Yet somehow, they manage to maintain my interest and keep me entertained. You know, now that I think about it, they kind of have that mystical quality I mention so frequently in my Running Wild reviews. They may not be technically impressive, they manage to captivate you and make you want more. It really is a shame this band never did anything other than Cosmic Conspiracy, because despite my complaints of not being terribly innovative despite the excellent leads, melodies, and use of keys, this is actually top notch death metal. The vocals leave a bit to be desired and the drumming is pretty standard, but everything else manages to work together and make a truly interesting release. An A- to Starseed's only release, and one of the better surprises I've been shown thus far in 2008. Recommended.

RATING - 90%