Thursday, July 31, 2014

Jari Maenpaa - His Stupid Fucking Face and the Crybaby Bullshit that Comes Out of It

WHERE ARE ALL OF THE ASSHOLES WHO ARE NOT EATING MY MOUSSAKA

I apologize in advance for writing what is basically a MetalSucks article, but I just can't keep doing this shit.  I can't keep seeing and hearing Jari Maenpaa make shitty excuses for his shitty music while all his good little minions lap it up like ignorant gobshites.  My frustration boiled over today after he posted an announcement on Facebook (you can read it here if you'd like).  Ostensibly, it's just an update for fans.  But when you think about it even medium-hard, it really just exposes him for the narcissistic fraud he really is.  I've gotta rip him apart somehow, and I've already reviewed everything he's touched, so I'm just gonna lash the fuck out and not give the minutest shit how unprofessional it is.  Nobody makes my blood boil like this guy.  So here, an open letter will have to sate my bloodlust for the moment.


Darling Fascist Bully Boy,

Basically, what this statement does is show us where your priorities truly lie.  You want to be a rockstar.  That's the long and short of it.  You seem to believe that your genius is worth more money than Nuclear Blast is willing to give you and is so precious that you doesn't even want them to get a cut of the potential crowd funding pie.  Which, in your defense, you do say that Nuclear Blast straight up forbade you from going the Kickstarter route, but at the same time I really don't blame them.  They've done everything they're supposed to do as a record label, the onus to create lies solely on you at this point.

To start the whole rant off, you complain about your living situation and how that affects your ability to practice and record.  You live in a rinky dink apartment with neighbors, so you can't practice or record vocals or anything of the sort in your apartment.  As such, to avoid bothering them, you work at odd times and yadda yadda.  That's all well and good, but you know what?  Fucking zero other metal bands can record in their apartments.  You think that when it's time for a new Dying Fetus album, they all just get together at John's place, drop trou, and start ripping out some death metal loud enough to piss off everybody in earshot?  What the fuck makes you so goddamn special?  Get in the fucking studio like every other band worth a damn in the history of the universe.  I understand that you want full creative freedom and you feel constricted in a studio, plus I can assume you've had some bad experiences with them.  I understand, every artist should have full control of their work, but the way the cards are falling now, you're in absolutely no position to be making demands.  You work slower than a three legged tortoise, you don't have the ground to start demanding more money for studio time from your label.

I've got to give you credit for something though, this is probably the first time I've ever felt sorry for a major record label.  Nuclear Blast is huge and can absolutely survive without you, but as it stands, you owe them money.  You are in debt to them and I don't feel the tiniest drop of sympathy for you.  You say that in order to craft Time II as you intend, you require more time and money to accomplish it all.  The thing is, you knew the score, they gave you your advance with the full expectation of recuperating that cost with album sales.  The label is refusing to give you more money because they already loaned it to you.  They gave you the money to make an album that you never made, now they're out however much until you get off your ass and fucking make that album.  They're not holding your art hostage here, you are.  Remember when you announced that Time II would come out in early 2014?  Yeah, I laughed about that too, because I knew that was bullshit.  And here, rolling into August, I'm smug as a peach because I was 100% goddamn right.  I kept my mouth shut until May, which is around the time I started reminding everybody "Hey, remember that Wintersun album we were supposed to be enjoying right now?"  Do you know how ridiculous this is?  It's already August in Finland and you haven't even fucking started this new album.  I am utterly floored that your fans put up with this much shit from you.  I don't even fucking LIKE Wintersun and I'm appalled!

The thing is, you can't go crying about the business being against you right now.  Since day one, since the instant you left the starbound Ensiferum to work on your pet project here, the one your heart was truly in line with, you've been consistently failing at doing your goddamned job.  If you turned in your completed work, and Nuclear Blast had said "No, this isn't want we were looking for.  We wanted an album that sounded more like [this]", then I'd be right behind you here.  As much as your unfailing inability to recognize and write to your strengths drives me up the wall, I am 100% in favor of artistic freedom and you should be able to make this album sound however you want it to sound.  But the issue here is that Nuclear Blast hasn't done that.  They've refused to loan you more money and shot down the idea of a Kickstarter campaign because you're the cause of a gushing hemorrhage.  They've put money down on you, and you've given them jack shit in return.  You absolutely can not sit here and cry about the business being unfair when you've proven yourself completely incapable of fulfilling your end of said business agreement.

I'm also not buying your crocodile tears about how you have five albums worth of material written that's just sitting unused because the big bad label is causing issues with Time II.  Ignoring the fact that the only person causing issues here is you, I don't believe for one second that you have five fillerless albums penned.  No you fucking don't.  The first batch of songs for Wintersun's debut were written in 1996, and the album didn't come to fruition until 2004.  I understand you were working with Ensiferum at the time, but Ensiferum has always been Toivenen's band, not yours (as evidenced by the fact that the music sounds pretty much exactly the same regardless of your involvement), and it really just shows that you've always taken eons to write anything.  Five albums have been written since 2006, when you claimed to have written Time?  Yeah okay, I believe that about as much as I believe in the legend of the toilet fairies.  And you claim no filler?  Well okay, no artist is ever gonna say they've got filler songs, so I can't knock you too hard for that, but man you've always been prone to shitty filler songs.  You're good at one style and bad at everything else, Wintersun has a whopping three good songs ("Beyond the Dark Sun", "Winter Madness", and "Sons of Winter and Stars"), and your work with Ensiferum was pretty much half and half.  Hell, the only Ensiferum  album that ever managed to have no filler was the first one they made without you.  You haven't written shit, that's a bold faced lie and I actually feel fucking insulted that you'd even try to pass that one by me.

The bottom line of all this is that you need a studio.  The thing is, fucking book some god damned time at one and finish your shit.  You don't get to own a studio simply because you want it, and no amount of caterwauling is going to change that.  You don't get to complain about the label making money off what you do because, ya know, that's precisely what a fucking label does.  It's almost like you expect to live entirely off your music despite the fact that no metal bands can do that unless you're famous on a level akin to Metallica or Iron Maiden.

Oh wait, there's a post script, I wonder what it says...

"p.s. Should have stayed working in the post office!"

Wait...

You mean...

You're actually not working?

WELL NO FUCKING SHIT YOU'RE BROKE YOU DUMB, EGOTISTICAL BASTARD.  What kind of maniac quits his job before knowing whether or not it's totally feasible?  I'm blown away, struggling to comprehend the thought process here.  Okay, so you quit your job at some point to work on the band, sure.  But surely you didn't just recently quit, surely at some point over the last ten fucking years you've noticed that you're not going to be able to afford the studio time and everything else necessary to complete an album since you don't have steady income.  At no point did it dawn on you that you should probably get a fucking job?  How old are you?  Even I have a job and I'm a fucking idiot.  No wonder you can't afford anything and need to beg the label for more handouts to finish an album you haven't gotten close to finishing after god knows how many years and dollars have been sunk into it.  Ross Dolan and Bob Vigna of Immolation work construction jobs and just take time off when it's tour time, and they're one of the most consistently respected death metal bands still active today.  Hell, Eric Adams (I remind you, the singer for fucking MANOWAR) works a day job.  You do not get to act like you are above Manowar.  You do not get to pretend that you or your band is or has ever been more popular or important than Manowar.  That's just fucking astounding, you want to be a rockstar, seemingly blissfully unware that you simply will not ever be one in the genre you're in.  

There are hundreds, thousands even, just a metric crapload of bands who have less money and prestige than you do that still manage to book studio time and churn out several albums in a decade's time.  This perfectionism of yours is completely killing your band, you're turning this whole charade into a metal version of Chinese Democracy.  I'm not telling you to settle for less, I understand that you want your artistic vision to reach its full potential, and as much as your art disgusts me, I support the notion.  The problem is that you're completely unwilling to work things out for your fans.  Instead you continually drag out this woe-is-me bullshit for years at a time, passing deadlines with no updates and constantly throwing out empty promises.  

And the saddest part is that, come 2020, when Time II is finally released, it'll surely just be another half hearted turd you squeezed out for all your adoring fans to gather around and lick rapturously.

In short, you kind of annoy me.


May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman,
~BH

36 comments:

  1. Seeing red, much?

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  2. My thoughts exactly. Good article.

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  3. Oh no!! You're going to piss off the Winterson fanboys as well as the fucking duck album fanboys! Watch your back, BH.

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  4. be prepared to be on a fanboy-initiated change.org petition tor emove you from "planet thinking"

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  5. Wintersun have nothing to offer anyway. The debut was good for two spins, then it became a coaster.

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  6. It seems like I'm actually not at all controversial this time. Apart from one ill-thought out change.org petition and whatever was on the Wintersun Facebook, the entire reaction from the metal community at large seems to have been nothing but a collective eyeroll and/or middle finger. People are tired of his excuses and more and more people are starting to turn on him. Believe it or not, I don't like seeing people fail, but Jari has been so vehemently pompous and up his own ass for the last decade or so that it's really about time that he's seeing some actual fucking backlash for a change.

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  7. I completely agree with everything said here, minus the anger. This is a hilarious article.

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  8. Gotta say that as much I liked the first album and Mäenpää's songwriting, still I totally agree with you (and oh yeah, minus the anger too). Even my teenager years fan glasses were lost, not so long time ago after release of debut, all thanks to Mäenpää's behaviour.

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  9. All I have to say, I'd like to see you doing what Jari did.

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    1. You mean not make an album for eight years? Shit, done. Where's my prize?

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    2. The normal childish that wants everything handed right away comment. Who cares if he takes forever to make an album? You don't know what's going on over there, go listen to something else meanwhile seriously. I'd rather it to take forever and have something perfect I can enjoy for a long while

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    3. Well considering he went out of his way to give everybody an update, we kinda do know what's going on. Basically it's being delayed for the squintillionth time because he doesn't know how to make his synths work properly and is, in a roundabout way, demanding a personal studio or computer farm in order to finish an album that logically could have been finished seven or eight years ago.

      And if you really think that Time I is perfect, I have no idea what to say to you. If the title track and Land of Snow and Sorrow really took eight years to finish, then the world is better off with Jari taking decades to release anything, because god damn.

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  10. I agree, Jari is so full of crap. Not only is he a delusional, egotistical, arrogant moron, but he is also a flat out douche bag. I can't imagine building up such a following of fans, then being known to just whine and moan right in all of their faces. Sure, he is extremely talented, but he is not a god (an idea too many of his retarded fanboys have clearly convinced him of), and he shouldn't get something just because he wants it; what a childish, spoiled little brat. I'm glad he's actually receiving some backlash for a change, and I hope it grows to (at least) equal the amount of bullshit he has fed all of his fans for the past ten years.

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    1. Jari is an idiot for being a perfectionist and you are one for being an ignorant, people were the ones that wanted to offer him money in the first place and had the kickstarter idea. Quit being a "want it now" little boy and go listen to Abstraction or Frosttide.

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    2. People wanted to offer him money, he went to the label to run it by them and see if it was okay (which was the right thing to do), and then when he was turned down (which was also the right thing to do since that'd be circumventing his contract), he went online to whine about how the label won't let them and even if they would he wouldn't want to do it anyway because they'd get a significant cut of any funding raised (you know, like a label is supposed to do). This isn't a case of "WE WANT IT NOW GIMME GIMME GIMME", it has much, much more to do with his incessantly arrogant attitude coupled with pathetic woe-is-me whining atop a mountain of empty promises. It took him eight years to release five songs, two of which were interludes, and only one of which was any good. Now he's holding the second half hostage because he doesn't want to work in a studio he doesn't own and he doesn't want anybody other than himself to make money off of it. He seems convinced he can do whatever he wants and is completely baffled that he's facing roadblocks on his self serving path.

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  11. Looks like MetalSucks gave you a shout-out on this article, and they think Jari's most recent essay is directed at you (at least in part).

    http://www.metalsucks.net/2014/08/07/wintersun-drama/

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    1. I was absolutely chuffed to see that yesterday! I guess I got my fifteen minutes, better quit my job. Seemed to work out pretty well for Jari!

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  12. Hahahaha... this is the best writing I've read in a good long while :) The other thing that struck me, how the fuck does the dude find the spare time to write these novel-length posts ..

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  13. Thank you for the Young One's references. I thoroughly enjoyed them, maybe even moreso than the rant itself.

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    1. You're my new pal purely for being one of two people to understand the reference, haha

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  14. You have betrayed the cause of metal with this post. It is the duty of any and all music fans (but ESPECIALLY in metal) to support the artist NO MATTER WHAT! As far as I, as well as everyone who truly knows what music is about, is concerned, Jari is an artist, and therefore his demands are fully justified. You should show him a little more respect due to the fact that he is a CREATOR. Due to this, you have proven yourself unworthy of saying anything credible about music, but especially about metal. Give me the password to your accounts, and I assure you that I, unlike you, will remain faithful to the cause of metal.

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    1. Let me get this straight, we should back everything metal no matter how it is handled? If Jari decided to scam people for a ton of money or murder people as a hitman to make some extra side cash to produce his album all is well because it's for the "cause of metal." I mean you specifically say NO MATTER WHAT! His demands are obviously not this extreme but they are also not fully justified. The backwards logic to this comment has fried my brain into a pancake.

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    2. Goddamn, you are such a blind follower. I'm a Wintersun fan myself, but that doesn't mean I'll like and support anything and everything they do. A true music fan should keep an open mind and criticize their favourite artists whenever they release something bad or do something stupid. I expect a high standard of quality from Jari's music, and lately, he hasn't delivered at all. The instrumentation was fine on Time I, but there were so many unnecessary MIDI tracks layered on top and the production was awful. And now with Time II in limbo, Jari's being a whiny, pretentious asshole. I'm just about ready to turn on him while I blast the self-titled album to remind me of the good old days when Jari wasn't as pretentious.
      In conclusion, stop blindly supporting everything just because you like it and develop an open mind. Fanboys like you are exactly what's wrong with the metal music fanbase today.

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    3. Zin Skymerald: Dictionary.com defines the word "fan" as such:

      an enthusiastic devotee, follower, or admirer of a sport, pastime, celebrity, etc.:

      How dare you call yourself a fan of Wintersun when you are not devoted to the cause of metal? We should NOT have it innately in ourselves to criticize like you suggest we do. That is the real problem with the metal music fanbase, where every so called fan looks for any opening and any justification to point out flaws with a musician's art or character. It is our sworn duty as metal fans to support the musicians in our chosen genre, which every commenter except me has grossly violated by criticizing Jari for being "pretentious" and "whiny". When you are an artist, you ought to be obligated to have support from those who claim to be "fans". It's a shame that NOBODY except me thinks this. I've been trying to find people help me stage a revolution in the metal community to make it a place where artists are actually APPRECIATED and not pounced upon at the first opportunity, but nobody has come to the same epiphany that I have.

      If you have any part of you that is still devoted to the cause of metal, BastardHead, you will either remove this travesty of an essay, or give me the password to this blog.

      -The Metal Knight

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    4. Hooray, someone who takes music way too seriously.

      Just because I criticize does not mean I don't appreciate the artists. In fact I often criticize BECAUSE I appreciate the artists. How are they going to improve and continue making good music if they don't listen to constructive criticism every once in a while? For example, the last Hour of Penance album was pretty lackluster and boring, but I still love everything else they've released and I'm still going to see them live when I can and buy their merch. It's because I still appreciate the hard work they put in to even go in the studio and record an album in the first place as well as going on tour. Now tell me: what has Jari Maenpaa done lately to earn my respect? Sitting on his ass and whining like a baby because he can't masturbate to his own musical compositions properly? We could have had Time released in 2006 or 2007 if Jari didn't decide to make an overproduced, oversaturated mess. And now that he's too busy stroking his own ego, I'm pretty much done supporting Wintersun (so I guess you're right about me not being a "real" fan :P).

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  15. Bravo on this post, and your well deserved 15 minutes! Great writing as well.

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  16. I know this may be late but good job, I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks this Jari is overrated as FUCK. I mean look at bands who barely have a label like Daylight Dies or Soulfallen, they still find time to churn out some masterpieces. What the fuck makes this guy so special? I'm not gonna lie, I was one of those minions that was dickriding this band for a long time waiting for the long awaited sophomore album and when it did come out I was like "Really? This is what I've been waiting so fucking long for?" Kudos to you my friend, kudos to you. Always need someone out there to set the record straight and not care about whose toes get stepped on.

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  17. Reading this makes me want to donate $1000 to Jari just to spite you. Good read, you naive ass-clown.

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  18. I'm a big fan of Wintersun, 'cause they scratch a very particular itch I have for metal. So fast and weird and wicked! But man this sheds a lot of light on the issue. I forget that music is a business, much like the one I work for.
    If I don't produce results I can be fired.
    I love the music Jari writes, but shit, if it's not making money no wonder Nuclear blast won't fund it. He needs to bite the bullet and release something, anything.
    A single, prove to the fans and the label that he has music that can sell. On his last tour he had a track he would play for select backstage pass holders. Fucking sell that, if it's so good! I'd buy it, fuck him if it's "unfinished" or "not perfect." We all have to make compromises in the name of money, time, or effort. That's how every industry works.

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  19. What have you been doing in the last years, other than waiting and complaining like you were loaning him personally..?! Maybe he is moaning too much and he does want something as a right,but... Have you written and recorded alone the stuff he did, instead..?! You're just an envious, childish turd. Shut the fuck up and learn from a humble professional like Jari is.

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    1. "What have you been doing in the last years, other than waiting and complaining like you were loaning him personally..?!"

      Way to ignore the interviews and reviews on the blog that is surprisingly not about Wintersun or Jari.


      "You're just an envious, childish turd. Shut the fuck up and learn from a humble professional like Jari is."

      I can assume people's motivation too:
      You're just posting this because you're jealous of how good he is at blogging. Shut the fuck up and learn from a humble professional like BastardHead is.

      See how stupid your point sounds?

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  20. This article is pathetic as your shitty existence.

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  21. I just love all these people assaulting with the good ol' "well you've never done thing X yourself so you're not entitled to an opinion" bullshit. That's basically the same as saying that people shouldn't criticize the government if they've never had a career in politics.

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  22. What I can't bring myself to understand is this... The record companies have given bands (especially smaller acts in the metal world) a hard rap for decades. They LITERALLY exploit artists for peanuts, so when one of them speaks up, instead of siding with him, we say 'FUCK YOU EVERYONE ELSE IS GETTING EXPLOITED AS WELL, SUCK IT UP!'

    When you listen to the immense density and complexity of Jari's music on Time, it should be apparent why it takes so long with his limitations. His music is on another level to the metal that other bands can just go to the studio and record... Now if you think that he should just make his music without the dense orchestrations, you are entitled to that opinion, but it isnt fair say that he should do it because thats what people like in music.

    Follow that logic through to its conclusion, and Wintersun should be making pop music.

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