Saturday, October 27, 2012

Brute Forcz - Out for Blood

And now for something completely different

Fuck suspense, I'm just going to blurt it out right now so nobody accidentally decides to buy this halfway through reading my opening paragraph.  This is probably the absolute WORST trad metal record I've ever heard.  I'm seriously flabbergasted at this album's very existence.  Just... everything about this album is bad.  No, that's giving the album too much credit.  It's not merely bad, it's transcendental.  Out for Blood epitomizes every cliche of bad 80s trad revival, not one terrible cliche is avoided.  At first I was simply upset that this was so bad, but when I decided to dig and do a little research in to the band (as their mere existence perplexed me so greatly) it became stunningly hilarious.  I don't normally do this, but I just have to in order for you, my faithful readers, to follow my journey into the void of musicality that is Brute Forcz... I present to you, one solitary interview:

There is so much gold in here that I could happily burn Fort Knox to the ground and not feel the slightest bit of shame.  Let's start off with the brains behind the band in the first place: the brothers.  These two sentient tubs of vanilla pudding are identical twins, Robb and Ronn Steel.  As if those (probably fake) names aren't stupid enough, they go by the stage names of Jammer and Slammer, respectively.  Holy crap, that makes them sound like a wrestling tag team duo.  Wait, what's that?  THEY ARE?  Oh man oh god oh man oh god, one thing at a time, BH, your heart can only take so much!

*downs bottle of Lanoxin*

Whew, okay, we'll set the rasslin' aside for the moment and start with the origins of this Brute Forcz.  According to the interview, the brothers wanted to start a band around the time they were near the end of high school.  They started an unnamed cover band (though I would have suggested The Tugboat Twins) with Jammer (the one with the stupider haircut) on bass and Slammer on drums.  They recruited some poor schlub on guitar and began looking for a vocalist.  From what I could make out between the wheezing and farting, Jammer claims they had one guy try out who said he could sing like Motorhead's "Killed by Death".  Tubby here, despite being in a metal band in the 80s, had apparently never heard of Motorhead because Motorhead is not a fried pastry.  After being introduced to music that didn't suck, Porky took the entirely wrong message and decided "Well those vocals sounded easy, I'll just do them then and we won't hire a singer, that way I'll have more money for pizza".  And thus his vocal technique of lazily grunting into the microphone like a slightly disinterested warthog was born.  These are without a doubt the worst vocals I've heard in the genre, bar none.  There is fucking zero effort here.  He's practically just talking in a gruff voice, never attempting to do anything even remotely resemble singing.  But hey, if Lemmy could do it, then so could this guy, right?!  He's succeeded marvelously at everything else he's done.

I need to pull away from the music for just a moment here to illustrate the other aspects of these guys' attitudes that just make this album all the more hilarious.  They say, straight up, that one of the reasons they loved wrestling so much when they did it, was that it was easy to manipulate interpretations and make yourself seem way more important than you actually were.  When asked who they've wrestled with, they say "Well we were on cards with Stone Cold and Diamond Dallas Page and... well see we never actually competed against them but we can say we wrestled with them and it technically isn't lying since we performed the same night".  They did fuck all worthwhile in this profession they were clearly nothing special at (I think other wrestlers complained that it was too hard to grapple with people who naturally excrete bacon grease), as evidenced by the fact that they were never in a featured match throughout their entire careers, and then they have the gall to be like "But we were totally in the same building as Mick Foley!".  And then (this is my favorite part of the whole interview apart from when the interviewer says he believes wrestling is real, to which the Bovine Bros challenge anybody to get in the ring with them), they go on to say that they became actors after they quit wrestling, and then gleefully tell the story of how they landed their biggest role, a bit part on Adam Sandler's Jack and Jill.  I'm only assuming they merely had a cameo, because A) if they act at the same caliber as they wrestle and play music, that's the best they're ever going to do and B) the day I watch Jack and Jill is the same day I dunk my head in a vat of sulfuric acid.  They tell of the audition, where there were tons of identical twins wandering around, looking like total pussies and having shitty attitudes (which is a hilarious complaint coming from Mr. My-band-is-groundbreakingly-unique-and-I'm-totally-BFFs-with-Kevin-Nash), and when it was their turn, they entered the room and were delighted to find both the director and Adam Sandler himself in the room.  They then tell about how they "cornered" them and "dominated everything" because "it isn't often you get the director AND the star pinned against the wall".  They say they had them rolling with laughter because they dominated the conversation, but I'm more inclined to believe that Sandler was trying to squirm away from the two voracious butterballs who mistook his stupid, square head for a giant can of baked beans because they hadn't eaten anything in twelve minutes.  Nevertheless, they got the part and spend a good chunk of time gloating about it.  Gloating about being in a post-Waterboy Adam Sandler movie is akin to gloating about being in a snuff film.

Anyway, that is the attitude that Jammer and Slammer have with their non-musical affairs.  Now how do they feel about their music?  Well their first demo was titled Kick Ass Heavy Metal so that's a clue.  Yeah, I'm not even kidding when I say that Jammer just casually throws out there that they didn't intend to have a completely original sound that nobody else has (pay no mind to the fact that the very first words out of the interviewer's mouth are about how all he can think about when listening to them is how much they remind him of Venom).  The only thing that fills this guy up is himself.  Are you fucking kidding me?  You don't sound like anybody else?  Dude you exemplify everything about the bottom-tier NWOBHM bands that disappeared because of how fucking pointlessly inconsequential they were.  I can't even think of any terrible bands they remind me of because they were all lost by time, instead I'm going to shame the names of legends by saying Out for Blood does indeed bear a striking resemblance to Welcome to Hell and British Steel.  But only in the absolutely worst possible way.  Imagine hearing "Welcome to Hell" for the first time and then immediately deciding you're going to start a band.  That's the only scenario I can imagine where you can honestly fucking believe that what you're doing is in any way original.  Christ even all ten songs on display here share the exact same two riffs (alternating between the "Welcome to Hell" riff and the "You've Got Another Thing Comin'" riff), I'm just so goddamn stunned at the ego on display here.  I mean, I tore into Jari Maenpaa really fucking hard over Time I, but at the very least I can't deny that the man has skill in certain areas.  He's a great guitar player and when he plays to his strengths he can write some splendorous music.  Jammer and Slammer couldn't write their way out of a haiku.

"Not to brag or anything, but everybody has told us they love our stuff... the greatest sound they've ever heard in a long time" Jammer brags, followed by a live humming bird flying out of his mouth mid-belch.  The interviewer then says that he loves how they're very straight ahead and in-your-face, "This isn't Yngwie Malmsteen, ya know, not like Ratt...".  Because fucking Ratt is definitely known as noodly thinking man's metal.  Jesus lord it's like being shat on by Snooki, these three douchehammers could not be any more vapid and stupid if they were bragging about how the only thing they know how to write about is sex.  Oh wait they do that too, but you already knew that, didn't you?  What kind of sex do these walruses even have?  Vaginas instinctively snap shut whenever they get within smelling distance of these dudes.  I don't think they could even get a vagina to reach their nether-regions, considering they have about three yards of excess jelly guarding their hairy banjos.  I think I got sidetracked, what the fuck was I talking about again?  Oh yeah, every song is about getting laid apparently, though I can assume "Torture Chamber" is the exception to the rule on this album, which is almost strange because it's probably the worst song here.  Yeah yeah, they're all turds that stink to different degrees so it doesn't really matter, and I couldn't point you towards the least stinky of all the turds if you had the Blubber Brothers staring hungrily at my nubile flesh.

Each and every track rides no more than one riff into the ground throughout their runtimes, and that one riff is probably stolen from Venom, Judas Priest, or WASP.  The band claims to have a huge Motorhead influence, but I think they're just confusing "influence" with "bands I like".  I'm at a loss to describe this, it's all so fucking boring and lame and shitty all at the same time.  This is the laziest album I've ever heard.  Every song consists of the same unimaginative riff with the same unimaginative drum beat in the back (Slammer can't play any faster because his bloodstream has been replaced with gravy), the vocals are the laziest, most half-assed and passionless grunt I've ever heard in all of my years of uninterested grunting, I want nothing to do with this album and I can't wait to publish this damn rant because the sooner I'm done with it, the sooner I no longer have to listen to this album.  I keep rambling on because I feel like I haven't described the music enough in relation to my rant on that hilariously bad interview and the attitude of the band members themselves, but in reality all you need to read is this paragraph.  It's lazy and shitty and full of itself, and if Brute Forcz can't put in even the slightest hint of effort into writing and performing their music, why should I follow suit by putting any further effort into this review?  Fuck you, Brute Forcz, Out for Blood sucks and you two are shitty people who should be ashamed of your fat selves.

The solos are cool though.


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